Keeping to yourself.

There's been much publicity surrounding "trans" issues of late, I think largely due to the "Jenner 'thing".

Something I've been seeing a bit of is dialogue about social transition and "gender" or sex changes resulting in (at the least) regrets or dissatisfaction over time and (at worst) de-transitioning and returning back to ones original sex/social "role" (if you will).

I think seeing this talked about is a good thing.

Before I started (and during) transition I searched my soul constantly, I rooted out every last corner of my mind and emotions, trying to decide NOT; wether I was a girl or a transsexual, but rather, wether transition (and surgery) would be right for me and lead to a life that was sustainable

Reading the Internet and magazines, watching TV related to the TG "scene", these days I don't think many approach things as I did.

I think people are pretty blasé about this stuff and I don't think that's at all a good thing.

My life even now, is still VERY challenging at times and I have to say, I believe I probably have things better than most, even though that hasn't always been the case.

There aren't many people in my position in life (1. young, 2. a post-op transsexual, 3. living privately and 4. in a loving, long-term, committed, heterosexual relationship, with a completely "straight" man)  who share their opinions on Trans stuff on the internet for others to read.

One reason for that (I think, I don't know for certain) is because most "trans" people on the internet (when they see it), get upset or angry and (perhaps) take the stance that we're "bragging" about our lives or trying to belittle others, and they push back, abuse us and call us names and belittle us in return.

Here is the truth in regard to that: My life is STILL not easy!!!! Trying to elevate myself (even If I were so inclined and I'm not) over others will not change that about my life, nothing will! I stand to gain nothing AT. ALL. from putting others down.

Ok, so having said that, I do have some opinions on this that are based on my experience(s) past and present, and I’m going to try and talk as candidly here as I can.

Firstly, I don’t think transition (both social and surgical) is the right thing for everyone.

For example: perhaps it may help someone to be happier in themselves and more comfortable with their body which is certainly a positive. 

However, being a “trans” person (that means: being someone who is not biologically functional like the rest of their new/target sex), by circumstance, causes a person to have different life experiences then other members of that (new-to-them) sex and because of that lack of commonality of experiences, the differences, it’s hard to relate and talk on the same level to others. 

What that means is that the trans person becomes pretty isolated and lonely. That isn't really anyones “fault” it just is what it is.

For instance, if as a woman, you’re unable to relate to other women’s experiences of pregnancy and childbirth, of menstruation and other major aspects of being biologically female (not necessarily because they know you’re trans, but simply because you can’t, they can sense you can’t understand, and so you tell them you’re not capable of these things even if you leave out the real reason why), then they are going to have trouble starting and continuing conversation with you. 

It’ll be awkward for them, because those are some (not all by any means, but still) of the main issues and experiences women talk about on a daily basis and so it will become easier for them to exclude you over time, than it would be to try and explain or include you in something that you’ll never have any real way of understanding first hand.

Men probably won’t be comfortable socialising with you either. There’s a million reasons why men can’t and won’t and not all of them are related to the fact that you’re “trans”, perhaps they don’t know you are (trans), but they still can’t socialise with you. 

If they do know then people will speculate that they’re gay or question their character or sexuality on any number of levels, if they don’t know, then what will their wife or girlfriend think or say? 

Men aren’t going there!

So, you don’t “fit” anywhere, not well at least, in either “camp” which sees you isolated and alone.

There’s only so much social isolation that most people are able to handle, and if you’re not used to it, it doesn’t take very long, that isolation is enough to drive most people either to end their life, or alternatively, drive them straight back to their birth sex.

Now try adding youth to that situation, if you’re young (say pre-thirties) you have decades worth of life to endure with that constant pervasive isolation, and it only grows, and the loneliness only gets worse over time as most women experience more and more of life and due to your lack of “functionality” you’re life pretty much stays at a standstill.

My life is a challenge, it’s hard work! I do the work of a woman AND a man trying to afford the experiences most females take for granted.

Motherhood for instance, I long to have and raise children. It’s an experience I might be able to have if I can adopt and something that I can have in common with some other women and something that might also reduce (hopefully) my level of isolation.

But! I’m in my early thirties, and my boyfriend is a few years older than me, in order for us to stand any chance of adopting at our age, we need to be pretty stellar “candidates”, a good and stable home, plenty of money, physical presentation is important as well (sadly people are superficial), of all things though, I think we have the “love” aspect covered.

We aren’t well educated (neither of us), so we aren’t well paid, which means that to be who we need to be (in the eyes of others) we both find ourselves working 70-80 hours a week, trying to build our business and our finances.

These things are things that aren’t even a blip on the radar of new transitioners. 

New transitioners are busy trying to survive what they think will be the biggest challenge of their life and busy being cheered on by others in the TG community.

It doesn’t get easier.

Working hours like that means I don’t get to keep on top of my weight and fitness like I need to, it means that I don’t get to go and get my body hair waxed as often as I need to (there’s still a small amount that stubbornly persists), and that makes me less “passable” (I hate that terminology, I'd prefer "presentable" but most trans folks wouldn't understand me properly) which stresses me. 

It also makes me self conscious with my boyfriend. Yes, he knows about my situation, but I/we don’t celebrate it, and I certainly don’t want to give him visual aids to my “history”.

life is hard for normal females, but the balancing act is intricate for a TS born woman, our struggles are unknown to them in similar ways as theirs are to us (similar in most ways yet separate and different in others, it’s hard to explain). 

And if these aren’t enough difficulties for most, then you have people’s denial of you as a woman and as a female.

Take a look at any comment thread on any site or page on the internet, there’s “hate” on just about every one of them, read enough (and even just live enough life out in the real world) and it’s hard not to internalise how the world feels about “you”.

Life is not easy.

So, if you want to live surrounded by trans people as your only friends and lovers for the rest of your days, years and decades (which I don’t really think there’s anything wrong with in truth, if that is what you want for yourself), if this is all a big fantasy for you and you’re certain that you will never ever get tired of living the trans lifestyle then by all means I’d encourage you to go ahead and pursue transition and surgery.

However.

If That isn’t the life you seek for yourself long term, if you actually want to live life where others consider you to be a born member of your new/target sex, then I’d recommend you think very carefully, and make a plan for how you’re going to survive the rest of your life right at the very start of your transition.

Ask yourself some serious questions and make sure to answer them with brutal honesty.

I think the most important question I can offer you is this:

If it was guaranteed that after you transition, not a single person in the world would EVER believe you or accept you as the person you say you are (your new/target sex, male or female) no matter how well you might “pass” and if you were destined to live life completely alone after transition, would you still want or need to do it?

In closing: at this point in my own life I ask myself; what do I have when it comes to who I am? 

Am I any closer to self-realisation or fulfilment?

My answers are pretty much the same as they’ve been from the very start.

All I have is my own self held belief that I am female. It means little to anyone but me when it all comes down it, but it is all that I have and have ever had. So, I hold it close to my heart, and I keep my head down and keep putting one foot in front of the other and quietly slugging my way through life with as much dignity as I can.

I’ll never fully realise myself nor completely know fulfilment, but I’ve understood that that would be the case since the very start, and the thing about that is that I don’t believe many people ever get to truly know those things. 

At least all of this has taught me what it would take for me to know them, and given me a clear direction in working towards them.

For quite some time I would have told you I didn’t believe in “luck”, and to a certain extent I still don’t, I believe that life is what you make it. However, as a person, (not JUST a “trans” person, but a person in general) I DO feel “lucky”. 

I have an amazing  man that loves me and accepts me for who I am AND who I present myself to be.

His friends and family do also.

He gives me strength.

I wish us all peace. 

Good things to read that are current at writing of this post:

SMH article

Be careful with This site, I think this post is worth while, but many posts on this blog could damage some if they're un-prepared.