"Gender" Theory

Gender theory (at least the female half of it) in a nut shell is this:

A woman’s purpose is to make babies….

And all women should want this, it should be their no.1 priority in life everything they do should be geared towards successful reproduction, how they dress, how they act, they way they have sex, should all be in an effort to attract a male and successfully copulate.

If someone does not conform to the above then they couldn’t possibly be a woman.

This is what men (apparently) think of women.

Reading what I read on the internet, it’s possible that most “feminists” believe that ANYONE who subscribes to any part of the above, is a man/a male/a misogynist.

Now on some level I concur, I also believe many men do believe that and believe that women feel that way.

Many.

Not all.

And I think that to make the assertion that all men think that way, or that if someone thinks that way then they must (accordingly) be male/a man (or have experienced “male enculturation”) is  equally as “sexist” and offensive as this the whole concept above.

Now, yes! I live my life as a woman, and yes!, I feel the pressure in my daily life of "gendered" (sexed) expectation (per the above), and YES! it can feel pretty damn "oppressive" if I let it.

Here’s the thing though:

Personally, I actually DO want children. I’d give anything to be able to get pregnant and have babies, I believe it would be a miracle and something I’d be blessed to know/understand/be a part of (would I be scared? probably, aren't most women at least the first time around?). On an emotional level, it feels natural to me. 

I do not like that I’m not only made to feel bad by society over the fact that I can’t have babies, but then told by “feminists” that I’m a deluded man or that I can’t overcome my “male” enculturation because I vocalise or express that I would want that if I was capable.

(Which translates to: NO, I'm NOT trying to win "gender identity" points, and NO, I was not enculturated from birth into believing I should want that, so think what ever you want to think, explain it however it is that makes you feel all warm and fuzzy about yourself, it makes no difference to me, I don't give a damn wether I'm "good" enough for anyone)

I don’t support the view of women stated at the beginning of the post and yes, again, I concur that many men do think that way (again, not all), I believe it should be a woman’s choice as to wether she wants babies or not, and she should NOT be thought less of if she does not want them (however, I also believe that we each need to get past giving a damn about what everyone thinks of us, it’s not healthy for us to be so obsessed).

HOWEVER!

The ideas outlined actually DO seem to fit a remarkable amount of women, could ALL of those women truly be deluded….. brainwashed by society into believing they want that? (children?) surely SOME must be strong enough to exercise their own free will and ability for independent thought? 

Are ALL women (aside from these “feminists”, a remarkable number of whom it seems, are self declared lesbians, and as such, are probably less likely to get pregnant and become mothers than the bulk of female society) mindless “weak” individuals?

Sound’s to me like many of these supposed “feminists” view females/women in a remarkably similar light to how they suggest men do.

Face up to who you are already! 

Stop blaming your own insecurities on society.

Accept yourself.

Accept that you are as human as anyone else, and as such are equally deserving of love, compassion, respect, companionship, and dignity.

Stop with the complaining and then go seek those things out.

If someone tries to take those things away from you then take those things away from them in return, but here is the secret:

Even if you don’t respect them as a person, make sure the manner in which you take those things away IS “respectful”. 

Leave the door open if you will…

Desperately seeking "womanhood"

It’s natural right? a very human characteristic, the need to “fit in”, be included and “accepted”…..

We all need it, we all need to relate and be understood or at least feel we are.

It is my belief that no-one is actually born a “man” or a “woman”.

My belief is that one becomes one of those things (or the other) as a result of the life they live and the experiences garnered from that life.

“Woman-hood” is a result of experiences gained through interacting with the world as a (recognised by others) female, and vice versa for man-hood/males.

Shared life experiences are what promote inclusion and acceptance into any particular “group”.

Now it’s certainly a lonely world for many, so I can understand why, when I go internet adventuring and stumble across whole bunches o’ (trans)people who are all worked up and angst-y about women and radfems and people who chant that we not be “women” for realz, but I have to wonder what they/we all gain by getting all hot and bothered and insulted and hurt and upset by it all?

The deal is this yo!

You ain’t been one very long!

A “woman” that is….

Chill out!

Calm the fuck down and just go be one (a woman) for a few years.

You’ve done that and you still can’t get over all this hurtful “you ain’t real” stuff?….

Go be one a bit longer! keep doing that until it doesn’t matter wether all these folks think you’re “real” or not.

Did you “transition” to try and meet their approval? or did you “transition” because you just needed to be a girl?

I read all these things on the interwebz, all these blogs and reddits, forums and comment threads, all about being accepted and included, about: 

how can one reconcile being trans and at the same time “gender critical”….. 

how one can help work towards women’s rights/equality when feminists and feminism rejects them/us because we were born male…. 

and each time, when I’m tempted to start a profile so I can throw my $2.50 in, I have to pause and remind myself:

What the fuck would I know?…..

and more importantly:

What the fuck does it matter what I would know?…..

Who am I trying to impress?…..

Why am I trying to impress someone/anyone?

Here is reality as plainly as I can put it:

You aren’t going to change anything. All you are going to do is leave a traceable digital trail (attached to the opinions you’ve written) that someone smart enough might use to hunt you down and expose your real life identity with, if they happen to take exception to your opinions.

But change people’s mind and change the world?….

Not a bloody chance.

You’re far better off just being a woman.

Work hard, find a partner, adopt some kids and be a good mom.

That will do far more for you (in the long run) when it comes to being accepted and included as a woman, trust me!

if you keep to yourself but appear to other women as though you have a relatively happy and “successful” life, they’ll (most of them at least, some are gonna hate you just for the sake of it, that's "people", it's their issue not yours, they're "projecting") want to know how you did it, because the fact is that it’s hard for (women especially, BUT!) anyone, to achieve that.

Be gracious, and dignified, say only what needs be said, and be happy with who you are and the life you’ve given yourself.

These things aren’t easy, I know that (that is why I constantly have to remind myself as per the above), but over time I believe they are the “ticket”.

TDOR

The: Transgender day of remembrance

I was born a Transsexual, I transitioned in my twenties, it was as early as I was able to due my parents lack of realisation of my situation and following that, lack of understanding and support for me and who I told them I am.

Starting in your twenties, being past (in the case of Male born people) male puberty, I believe is probably the most difficult and dangerous way for a transsexual to need to go through “transition”.

Just about every “Trans” person under the sun will argue with me on that, but I will not try to justify my words, I know exactly what I’ve just written, and I believe that to be the exact truth, those who have done it will understand why and those who have not never will understand.

to get through transition in your twenties, means you’re absolutely desperate, and that desperation sees you take constant risks every day.

You keep your mouth shut about things, and you tell yourself that you’re “okay” but the truth is, you’re absolutely visible. 

EVERYONE sees you and EVERYONE knows, there is no “hiding” not if you ever want to “finish”…. not if you ever hope to get to your goal.

You smile the knowing smile to people you have to deal with, and if you don’t have to deal with anyone then you try to blend in with the “furniture” as much as possible.

In all my life, this post I’m writing now is the biggest fuss I’ve ever made about TDOR.

I’m one of the ones who faced a pretty high chance of becoming one of the names this “day” is used for for, and I’ll tell you, I think it, the TDOR, is largely a bastardised big old load of bull shit.

Why?

Two reasons, but the important one is this:

Women don’t need to be born transsexual to be beaten, raped or killed every day of the week.

Women have been being beaten, raped and killed, daily, since the dawn of time.

Are you really just a woman, or are you transgender?

I know what I believe.

The world.

I find it gut wrenching.

Our world and the direction it appears (to me) to be moving in.

In many ways I’m tremendously grateful for my life, I’m certain I have things far better than most people and above all, I have love.

But In other ways My life is quite miserable.

Please don’t misunderstand me here, I don’t want people to put this up as an example of sex change “regrets”, I don’t regret it, my life is better than it ever has been right since early childhood, and if I had to do it all over I think I’d do most things the same again. (It was the best and only option I had, I have no room for regrets)

But here it is:

I need deeply from the depths of my soul (and always have), to be a normal biological and reproductively functional female and I am not.

(alternatively, to feel in my soul that I’m male, would probably have resolved my issue as well and that would have been fine with me also, it would have been much easier! however I tried to make that happen for a very long time and it is evident to me that it never will and that that is not who I am)

To need as badly as I do (and it is NOT simply a “want” it is something I NEED with every fibre of my being), and to not be able to have/be that (normal biological female), is terrifying for me on a daily basis.

Why do I need that?

I wish that I could explain it to you, I wish there was some way I could make it comprehendible to others, but the only way I can vocalise it is to say that I feel it would be the only way for me to know true peace in my heart, peace with myself and who I am.

I feel in my heart that a female is who I am, it is what is natural to me, but my body does not comply in the ways I need it to, and it’s torture.

*******

That in and of itself is torture enough, but now to add insult, I must sit and watch the world go to war with each other over (trans)sex and (trans)gender issues.

I must sit and watch as rights and protections for biological (and physical) females (my "people") are removed.

I must sit and watch as womanhood and what it means to be female and everything I feel and have always felt I need from life in order for fulfilment, is completely disassembled by what, to me, appears to be a cult of self-centred, self-serving (often fetishistic) dominant men.

Made worse by the fact that exploitation of the "theory" behind the condition I was born with, and exploitation of children and young people, are the tools being used in the disassembly.

To put it bluntly, I am the very weapon used against the group I need to be (and feel I am) a part of.

If need arose, my kind could be understood not so long ago, but now….

Now people (females especially) are learning to hate and fear us (and understandably so) more than ever.

“Trans” is so publicised now, there is so much propaganda about what it is and what it means to be “trans”.

“Gender” and “sex” are getting to be so conflated in language and that in turn is bleeding trough into culture and public perception.

“trans” has become popular to some.

life for me has been a soul destroying struggle at times and now some belittle it (and me) by taking it on as an “identity”, a “lifestyle”, or in an attempt to be “cool”.

That makes me want to throw up. I find that disgusting.

Like someone telling a rape victim that they envy them.

“Gender” is not my issue, my body’s sex is and always has been.

Do I believe “gender” exists?

I believe stereotypes and enculturation based on a person’s sex exist, I don’t like to call those things “gender” because I don’t believe they fit what most people are using the word “gender” to mean these days. I also think that word is and can be quickly turned into a tool by which to control people and I don’t support that.

*******

I must sit and read comments on blogs like 4thwavenow from women who are parents.

A big part of me would give nearly anything to be a mother, but the little bit that is left of me thinks that although it seriously guts me, it's probably a blessing in disguise that I can't have my own children. 

Too many people view them (children) as a God given right rather than a privilege, I can't be certain that I would not be just as arrogant as everyone else if I happened to be capable, and I don't believe it should be my place to inflict a life in this world upon someone simply because I want to experience pregnancy and motherhood. 

I’ve been through so much in my life, I’ve learned so much about people, about parenting, about love and about the "culture" of the world around me, in my short (30-ish) years, because of how my condition has effected my life, how it's effected my own mother and my relationship with her (no, she was NOT supportive of me in my treatment and belief of myself, that is ok, she’s human and she did the best she could, I got through, and I love her anyway). In my heart I believe I would make a good mother, I have much love to give and I’m not about myself.

I think a parent-child relationship should be between and about the parent and the child alone. I think that if the thoughts and beliefs of others, of friends, of relatives, of therapists, of people off the internet, need to be included or introduced, then something is very wrong. 

Raising a child should not be about what anyone thinks of you other than the child (to an extent), and you yourself. (can you sleep soundly at night? is a worth while question).

******

I watched a television program yesterday called "A path appears" (it's actually a series, but this episode) focused on prostitution and human trafficking in the United States.

There are so many women abused and controlled from such a young age.

I feel sickness in my heart over it.

over a world that exists like this.

********

All of these things, they all come back to one result.

The truth is that I really don't like the world very much at all, especially as it relates to women, to females and to myself.

I do very much hope the world gets better, but right now I only see it getting worse and I feel powerless to make a difference in that. 

An enforced spectator who’s one of the few who could probably truly make a difference to individual lives if people where prepared to consider her life and perspective, but no-one will. I'm invisible, and to make myself visible likely will not see me received the right way anyway, people's guards are up, I'll be labeled one of "them".....

A "Trans".......

It’s a lonely feeling.

*********

Right now as I write this, I have my television on in the back ground, the movie “The fault in our stars” is playing. It’s fitting for how I feel right now and the movie is one of my favourites. 

Hazel Grace’s experiences and attitude towards life and the world around her is in many ways, much the same as mine.

 She’s a passenger in life, living in constant emotional pain simply passing through the lives of others for a short while, unable and unwilling to make true connections with others, as her life can be taken away so easily.

(Like me) She has/had the treatment because, well, because she must, there's nothing else aside from death, but in truth it's futile. It does not cure her or give her the life she needs, it does not make her normal and "safe" like everyone else. It does not make others understand her nor empathise. 

Perhaps some may genuinely sympathise, but that is not what she needs. She needs to feel properly human.

Only in death might she find peace.

The emotions she shows destroy me, I howl with tears streaming down my face because for someone to conjure her character, means it's possible that there must be at least someone out there in the world who understands me and how I feel.

The difference between hazel and me though, is that she does meet some few people (eventually) who can (on some level) understand her.

I have yet to, and I have my doubts that it will ever truly be possible for me to do so.

Autonomy

This is a difficult post to write for me.

For a couple of reasons.

Firstly, it’s a VERY emotive subject for many people (women especially).

Secondly, given my stated history (on this blog) most women will probably believe (and tell you) that I don’t get to have an opinion on this, that I’m “really just a man” and so I’m “privileged”, always have been and wouldn’t know anything. 

(Interestingly, if it were to happen to me many would probably say it was my fault and that I deserved it because I had SRS and believe I'm a woman, or that somehow it isn't "real" because I can't get pregnant, but in their eyes they would see no double standard. Anyway! C'est la vie! Apparently it's one of the things only biological females can truly experience)

Thirdly, I haven’t been a victim in the way that others have and people will probably think that I’m attempting to conflate myself and my experiences with theirs and that I'm trying to elevate myself and/or diminish their “pain” or belittle them or their experience.

Believe what you will, my own pain is enough for me, I don’t need to make it bigger or compete with others.

So now to the nitty gritty.

Rape.

It’s a huge “taboo” not to be talked about under any circumstances (apparently), like menstruation and many other women’s issues.

You know what, that in itself, that those things are silenced, shits me to tears.

There are some things related to womanhood that are celebrated and never shut up about and they shit me to tears as well. 

Pregnancy, childbirth, and motherhood I’m over hearing about them. NO I don't like that there are special car parks outside shopping malls for parents with strollers, the fact that you have a child does not mean you should have it easier finding a park or have to walk any less distance than the rest of the women without children, you aren't special because you can let some guy knock you up and then spit out a kid (that in many cases, the rest of us will have to pay for anyway)

I hate that women are simply reduced to their ability to breed, and I hate even more that females then buy in to that and tout that as both their Achilles heel and at the very same time, the thing that makes the valid and “special” and that they should be worshiped for.

That fact is, not all women CAN nor DO have children, and I believe that it is those women who most often face the most difficulty in life. (however that is just my opinion)

Anyway, that was a tangent, and not what this post was intended to be about.

This post is going to talk about rape.

I seem to see it and see stories surrounding it a lot lately and you might assume then that I’m wrong and that in fact, it IS being talked about.

Well no, I still don’t think it is. What I mean when I say “talked about” is: talked about freely amongst women.

Women are allowed to have an opinion on rape but they’re also (it seems to me) expected to keep that opinion to themselves, lest someone else feel belittled by their opinions.

We wouldn’t want to be or seem insensitive to others now would we?

I honestly think that that is one of the biggest stumbling blocks holding back women (as a group).

“sensitivity”.

The Idea that the world should be sensitive to us and treat us “fairly” and respect us.

Why?

only because we’re a girl.

Do you not realise that THAT was part of your “gender” enculturation as a child.

The world is NOT friendly, if women want to be treated equally to men then we need to toughen up a bit and stand up for ourselves, and I don’t just mean talking or writing, I mean DOING! defending ourselves.

The world is NOT kind it will NOT look after you, people don’t have to treat you well. If we can get women to learn that early in life then I think things will improve.

Anyway, Rape…..

Here is a little experiment to demonstrate how different a woman’s life experience can be depending simply on the circumstances of her birth (in this case what part of the world she is born into). 

This morning on my browser home page there were two stories about rape.

The first was Chrissy Hyde. Apparently, if you read the story, she experienced rape/sexual assault when she was 21 years old. She shares her personal opinion that she holds herself accountable for what happened and believes that other women who do the same and make similar choices to the ones she made are responsible for what happens as well. 

She does NOT say at any point that all women are responsible for their own rape.

But according to the comments left, she might as well have said that.

What I believe is that she was there, she knows herself better than anyone else, and at 21 she probably should have known the world well enough to know the risks she was taking.

does that make rape any less heinous a crime?

No.

The second story comes out of india, two sisters have been sentenced to be raped and publicly humiliated as punishment for the actions of their brother.

In a word:

Flabbergasted!

It disgusts and angers me that we still live in a world were this kind of thing can take place and be considered by some as “justice”.

And that's without going any further into the issue and talking about WHY a "punishment" like this is even more disgusting and heinous due to the cultural elements involved and as such the resultant long term effects on the lives of these women.

I don’t in anyway condone rape under any circumstances, but worse than rape to me, is ignorance and stupidity by some women who then turn around and scream the loudest at the injustices done to them and by doing so, belittle the suffering that other women truly DO endure.

I hate that it is always the most privileged and entitled of any group who seem to be the ones “representing” everyone else and that once they get what their entitled little heart desires, often at the expense of the rest of the group, they disappear and leave those who are truly in need, to suffer the consequences of their actions.

It is the "entitled" ones that write the arguments (in the public's perception) that defend purportrators 

I think we need to teach our daughters, (and even our sons to a lesser extent) that you CAN be raped, and that if you wait for other people to do the right thing by you, then you are a fool.

We each have free will and the ability to make our own choices.

In life, trauma is caused when we have that autonomy taken away from us. 

Rape is traumatic because of that. That control of the person and her/their body is taken away from them. physical pain resides, scars heal, but trauma remains, feeling powerless remains.

I have not been (in my life so far) sexually assaulted (for which I'm thankful and feel fortunate given the situations I've had to work in), and I pray I never am, but I am very well aware of what it is to have my free will withheld from me.

I make choices every day to maintain my autonomy in every way I can. Most of those choices revolve around keeping my medical history to myself, and not involving myself in discussions with people who would try and tell me who I am and what I can be.

To an extent we all have choices. 

To an extent we’re all responsible for the things that happen to us in life. 

Keeping to yourself.

There's been much publicity surrounding "trans" issues of late, I think largely due to the "Jenner 'thing".

Something I've been seeing a bit of is dialogue about social transition and "gender" or sex changes resulting in (at the least) regrets or dissatisfaction over time and (at worst) de-transitioning and returning back to ones original sex/social "role" (if you will).

I think seeing this talked about is a good thing.

Before I started (and during) transition I searched my soul constantly, I rooted out every last corner of my mind and emotions, trying to decide NOT; wether I was a girl or a transsexual, but rather, wether transition (and surgery) would be right for me and lead to a life that was sustainable

Reading the Internet and magazines, watching TV related to the TG "scene", these days I don't think many approach things as I did.

I think people are pretty blasé about this stuff and I don't think that's at all a good thing.

My life even now, is still VERY challenging at times and I have to say, I believe I probably have things better than most, even though that hasn't always been the case.

There aren't many people in my position in life (1. young, 2. a post-op transsexual, 3. living privately and 4. in a loving, long-term, committed, heterosexual relationship, with a completely "straight" man)  who share their opinions on Trans stuff on the internet for others to read.

One reason for that (I think, I don't know for certain) is because most "trans" people on the internet (when they see it), get upset or angry and (perhaps) take the stance that we're "bragging" about our lives or trying to belittle others, and they push back, abuse us and call us names and belittle us in return.

Here is the truth in regard to that: My life is STILL not easy!!!! Trying to elevate myself (even If I were so inclined and I'm not) over others will not change that about my life, nothing will! I stand to gain nothing AT. ALL. from putting others down.

Ok, so having said that, I do have some opinions on this that are based on my experience(s) past and present, and I’m going to try and talk as candidly here as I can.

Firstly, I don’t think transition (both social and surgical) is the right thing for everyone.

For example: perhaps it may help someone to be happier in themselves and more comfortable with their body which is certainly a positive. 

However, being a “trans” person (that means: being someone who is not biologically functional like the rest of their new/target sex), by circumstance, causes a person to have different life experiences then other members of that (new-to-them) sex and because of that lack of commonality of experiences, the differences, it’s hard to relate and talk on the same level to others. 

What that means is that the trans person becomes pretty isolated and lonely. That isn't really anyones “fault” it just is what it is.

For instance, if as a woman, you’re unable to relate to other women’s experiences of pregnancy and childbirth, of menstruation and other major aspects of being biologically female (not necessarily because they know you’re trans, but simply because you can’t, they can sense you can’t understand, and so you tell them you’re not capable of these things even if you leave out the real reason why), then they are going to have trouble starting and continuing conversation with you. 

It’ll be awkward for them, because those are some (not all by any means, but still) of the main issues and experiences women talk about on a daily basis and so it will become easier for them to exclude you over time, than it would be to try and explain or include you in something that you’ll never have any real way of understanding first hand.

Men probably won’t be comfortable socialising with you either. There’s a million reasons why men can’t and won’t and not all of them are related to the fact that you’re “trans”, perhaps they don’t know you are (trans), but they still can’t socialise with you. 

If they do know then people will speculate that they’re gay or question their character or sexuality on any number of levels, if they don’t know, then what will their wife or girlfriend think or say? 

Men aren’t going there!

So, you don’t “fit” anywhere, not well at least, in either “camp” which sees you isolated and alone.

There’s only so much social isolation that most people are able to handle, and if you’re not used to it, it doesn’t take very long, that isolation is enough to drive most people either to end their life, or alternatively, drive them straight back to their birth sex.

Now try adding youth to that situation, if you’re young (say pre-thirties) you have decades worth of life to endure with that constant pervasive isolation, and it only grows, and the loneliness only gets worse over time as most women experience more and more of life and due to your lack of “functionality” you’re life pretty much stays at a standstill.

My life is a challenge, it’s hard work! I do the work of a woman AND a man trying to afford the experiences most females take for granted.

Motherhood for instance, I long to have and raise children. It’s an experience I might be able to have if I can adopt and something that I can have in common with some other women and something that might also reduce (hopefully) my level of isolation.

But! I’m in my early thirties, and my boyfriend is a few years older than me, in order for us to stand any chance of adopting at our age, we need to be pretty stellar “candidates”, a good and stable home, plenty of money, physical presentation is important as well (sadly people are superficial), of all things though, I think we have the “love” aspect covered.

We aren’t well educated (neither of us), so we aren’t well paid, which means that to be who we need to be (in the eyes of others) we both find ourselves working 70-80 hours a week, trying to build our business and our finances.

These things are things that aren’t even a blip on the radar of new transitioners. 

New transitioners are busy trying to survive what they think will be the biggest challenge of their life and busy being cheered on by others in the TG community.

It doesn’t get easier.

Working hours like that means I don’t get to keep on top of my weight and fitness like I need to, it means that I don’t get to go and get my body hair waxed as often as I need to (there’s still a small amount that stubbornly persists), and that makes me less “passable” (I hate that terminology, I'd prefer "presentable" but most trans folks wouldn't understand me properly) which stresses me. 

It also makes me self conscious with my boyfriend. Yes, he knows about my situation, but I/we don’t celebrate it, and I certainly don’t want to give him visual aids to my “history”.

life is hard for normal females, but the balancing act is intricate for a TS born woman, our struggles are unknown to them in similar ways as theirs are to us (similar in most ways yet separate and different in others, it’s hard to explain). 

And if these aren’t enough difficulties for most, then you have people’s denial of you as a woman and as a female.

Take a look at any comment thread on any site or page on the internet, there’s “hate” on just about every one of them, read enough (and even just live enough life out in the real world) and it’s hard not to internalise how the world feels about “you”.

Life is not easy.

So, if you want to live surrounded by trans people as your only friends and lovers for the rest of your days, years and decades (which I don’t really think there’s anything wrong with in truth, if that is what you want for yourself), if this is all a big fantasy for you and you’re certain that you will never ever get tired of living the trans lifestyle then by all means I’d encourage you to go ahead and pursue transition and surgery.

However.

If That isn’t the life you seek for yourself long term, if you actually want to live life where others consider you to be a born member of your new/target sex, then I’d recommend you think very carefully, and make a plan for how you’re going to survive the rest of your life right at the very start of your transition.

Ask yourself some serious questions and make sure to answer them with brutal honesty.

I think the most important question I can offer you is this:

If it was guaranteed that after you transition, not a single person in the world would EVER believe you or accept you as the person you say you are (your new/target sex, male or female) no matter how well you might “pass” and if you were destined to live life completely alone after transition, would you still want or need to do it?

In closing: at this point in my own life I ask myself; what do I have when it comes to who I am? 

Am I any closer to self-realisation or fulfilment?

My answers are pretty much the same as they’ve been from the very start.

All I have is my own self held belief that I am female. It means little to anyone but me when it all comes down it, but it is all that I have and have ever had. So, I hold it close to my heart, and I keep my head down and keep putting one foot in front of the other and quietly slugging my way through life with as much dignity as I can.

I’ll never fully realise myself nor completely know fulfilment, but I’ve understood that that would be the case since the very start, and the thing about that is that I don’t believe many people ever get to truly know those things. 

At least all of this has taught me what it would take for me to know them, and given me a clear direction in working towards them.

For quite some time I would have told you I didn’t believe in “luck”, and to a certain extent I still don’t, I believe that life is what you make it. However, as a person, (not JUST a “trans” person, but a person in general) I DO feel “lucky”. 

I have an amazing  man that loves me and accepts me for who I am AND who I present myself to be.

His friends and family do also.

He gives me strength.

I wish us all peace. 

Good things to read that are current at writing of this post:

SMH article

Be careful with This site, I think this post is worth while, but many posts on this blog could damage some if they're un-prepared.