Stop the world, I want to get off.
It’s been a while huh?….
I feel like “trans” hysteria has absolutely exploded in the last 12 to 18 months, however, I realise it has been gradually building over many years. Decades even.
These days I don’t give a heck of a lot of thought or consideration to the fact that I was born a transsexual.
Until I get online that is.
When I open my laptop, it’s everywhere.
When I was younger I used to have to search for information, but not now, now, it’s in my facebook feed on all the pages, people ridiculing trannies. It’s all over youtube, it’s even on a fucking beer can apparently.
And when I say “it” I don’t mean me, I don’t mean “transsexuals” I mean drag queens and peadophiles claiming they are really “women” or “girls”, claiming that they are “trans”.
All of this shit scares the bejeesuz out of me!
Why?
Because I live my life daily without discussing my situation with anyone. To the people in my daily life I am just a strange woman, one that can do all sorts of different things and who isn’t afraid to work hard (physically) and who probably doesn’t care as much as she should about her appearance.
On the one hand I can weld, and fix just about anything mechanical, on the other hand I’ve set up and run whole business for the last 10 years straight. I’ve done our admin, accounts, payroll and HR, secured work with multinational companies, fought legal battles in the courts and won, all without any formal training or qualifications. I teach myself what I need to know in order to achieve what I need to achieve. And most of the above has been done in support of the man that I love.
My partner an I have been together 10 years this year.
My life is a LIFE.
I look back now, knowing what I know and having learned what I’ve learned, and think, If I’d been able to feel comfortable being a “man” myself then I probably would have been a power-house.
And yet, if I had stayed as I was, I firmly believe that I’d still be stuck with a numb mind, plagued by the in-escapable feeling of wrongness and despair, and that I wouldn’t be loved.
Did “transition” fix me?…
No. I still hate myself, and my body, thank you for asking.
BUT! I can deal with it now and my life is a LIFE.
I make a difference to some people, even if I can’t effect the world in the ways that I long too.
And then, I open my computer and it’s everywhere.
The world hates me.
Hates what I am.
My existence reduces women and womanhood to just a hole for a man to have sex with.
And if that isn’t enough, I shot and killed some kids at a school in Nashville the other day. (no disrespect intended to the families, I’m devastated for them)
So, I can’t say I blame people, I probably deserve to be hated. Heck, if I was them (and I am really) I’d hate me too!
I spend my whole life caring for others, my appearance suffers probably because I ask for so little for myself, but I’m really just a man with a fetish. A mental illness.
I often wonder what Jordan Peterson might make of me…. but that would be cheating wouldn’t it?…. we all know that studies show the long term effects of gender transition are hard to come by and where you do see them, they show that treatment is largely unsatisfactory, that success stories are practically non-existent.
I wonder why it’s hard to follow up with people post “transition”?….
I mean, fuck.
I probably shouldn’t even be writing this post and who the fuck know’s wether it will ever actually see the light of day, because I wouldn’t want anyone trying to steal my thoughts and emotions to justify their lifestyle choices.
Further more, can you guess how many of the “professionals” who treated me back in the day, have stayed “in touch” to see how I’ve been going?….
And then there’s Jazz….
Oh and I nearly forgot!
Jazz Jennings! (note: again with the hole for a man to have sex with! 12:58)
I’ve always had my reservations about Jazz.
I didn’t watch that tv show that they made about Jazz (I’m guessing it would have been highly traumatic for me), but I have seen snippets over time and segments on Jazz and Interviews over the years. To me, from what I’ve seen, for someone who has been living as a girl from such a young age, I would think Jazz should “present” as female much better than it appears jazz does.
It’s hard to explain what I mean by this, to me, much of presentation and demeanour is “learned throughout childhood (conditioned if you will), and if one’s heart is truly in being the opposite sex, then one watches and tries to blend with the opposite sex. Much like members of the same sex observe each other and emulate and eventually blend in with each other.
This may however also be that Jazz’s parents also “cut Jazz slack” due to the fact that Jazz is/was actually a boy.
(EG, I remember my parents chastising my sister for not being “lady-like” growing up, not sitting like a girl etc, I did not get this same treatment as I was not the same as my sister, a girl).
I don’t mean to sound overly critical, but let me see if I can show you what I’m trying to get at.
The way Jazz sits at 2:44 in this video, is just one example, but I see many others right throughout any footage I’ve seen.
What I’m reminded of is the older men coming into electrolysis when I was going through transition (my electrologist was TS also). These people would come in and bitch about the women in their lives not being accepting of them and criticise women in general, and to me it showed their chauvinistic nature. What they were doing was an act for people who might be watching, but their truth was on full display when they felt they were in a place where people didn’t care and weren’t judging them. They didn’t view themselves as “the same” as other women at all it was an "outfit" for them to put on, but this time they were doing it permanently.
Or,
The patients at the clinic where I had my reassignment surgery. One of the clinic staff had to sit with a group of patients (routinely) and “educate” us one how to look after our new equipment, informing us that intercourse was a bad idea for at least 6-12 months, at which time I remember a younger patient (french if I remember correctly) asked wether they were still ok for their boyfriend to fuck them up the ass? (pretty much verbatim) and then got quite hostile with the nurse when they where advised against it.
To me, none of these people ever “vibed” as people I could relate too. They never seemed like people overcoming a hurdle that had stopped them living their whole life, or like people who’d worried no-one could ever love them or even know them fully.
Anyway, back to Jazz, there was a massive youtube pile-on with right-winger’s (for the record, I’d consider myself a right-winger as well) stating that Jazz regrets “transition”, that Jazz’s mother pushed Jazz into it, and that Jazz will de-transition. All referenced the same video clip of Jazz and Mom with Jazz saying they want to feel like themself etc etc.
Now, I’m not saying they’re wrong (I think they’re probably right), but, it’s also a possibility that Jazz had unreasonably high expectations of the results and the reality of transition’s limitations are or have become evident to Jazz and Jazz just hasn’t learned to manage the fact that they aren’t going to be everything they where promised they would be.
I’m not Jazz.
I know my read on the situation, but TV is what it is and people will edit things to look a certain way if they think it will increase ratings.
And this whole post leads me back to me and my partner.
We made love this morning (Saturday or Sunday seem to be the only times we wake up together at a reasonable hour and don’t have to get up early and go to work), I cried a little after. He asked me what was wrong? I told him I was fine, but the truth is he deserves better than me. He’s an amazing man and has known my situation since a month or two into our relationship and we’re still going strong, but with all of the above pervading my brain constantly, how could I ever be “good enough” for anyone?
I’m not a woman after all.
Not real.
I’m nothing.
I’m a joke.
