I don't know if this is irony or not?

This  video is doing the rounds of the inter-webs at the moment.

Not sure who the person is, mainly because I can't be bothered to do my research and find out (my life is pretty busy, believe it or not I don't get all day to sit around looking at this stuff), not sure wether they are actually a biological male or female, whether they're heterosexual or homosexual, and not sure wether this is some kind of publicity stunt or not.

However, both articles I've read on this today have said that she is biological female and a lesbian, so if that IS the case, although I really don't like or support (in any way at all) any of the premises for why this occurred, I can't help but chuckle just a little bit (inside) at the irony of this all, as a girl who is cut very deeply (emotionally) by quite a bit of what she reads and badly hurt by people's assumption of what and who her "kind" is/are and as a result, what she herself would be like.

Moral of the story, carry your ID and be careful what you wish for!

The Learning Curve

Perhaps some of the things I write about here (on the seemingly very rare occasions that I add to this blog nowadays) seem pretty unremarkable to most people.

I write of my own observations on life as it (life) seems to apply to me, in the hope that maybe someday this may be found by someone to whom the same life appears to apply, and that then, that someone might not feel so lonesome as I often get to feel.

 life is often harsh and very isolating, for a multitude of reasons that are never even imagined let-alone considered or prepared for ahead of time.

I often find myself feeling a long way behind the curve and floundering without anyone or anything to grasp onto for support.

Of late it is adjusting to and learning to control my own sexuality I’ve been musing over (constantly it seems).

Being born transsexual, a mental female without the genitalia and reproductive organs to function  as your mind/instincts demand, see’s the development and maturation of your sexuality stunted. 

For most (Non-transsexual) people growing into their sexuality is a process that starts early in life and continues over decades.

For me, my instincts and desires, if I’d let people see them, would have probably made people think I was gay (most probably thought I was anyway, I don’t know).

I didn’t let people see them. 

I don’t recall knowing anyone who was (openly) gay when I was growing up, but I do remember that anything I ever heard about homosexuality had a distinct “negative” connotation associated with it.

Having said that, (for those of you who will point to the above and say/suggest it’s internalised homophobia that caused my transsexualism) being a “girl” had a mostly negative connotations as well…..

As for transsexuals, what where they?

I had SRS in my twenties, and at that point I’d never had sex or a relationship with anyone of either sex.

The girls I wanted to be friends with at school, (which would probably have helped me understand myself better), all avoided me so they didn’t get teased by others, I guess it was apparent to all the other kids that I wasn’t “normal”.

There where one or two that didn’t shun me completely.

 One was a year older and a grade higher, (I guess) she kept me around because I listened to her talk about the problems in her home life and I tried to be sympathetic (also she lived on a neighbouring farm to me so we caught the school bus together for a couple of hours most days). 

She was the second youngest of four sisters and I suspect now (although I, regrettably, didn’t fully realise at the time, because I was too busy wrestling with my own sexuality issues to recognise things other girls where going through) that their father was probably abusing them. Looking back now, I deeply regret that I couldn’t be the friend I think she probably needed, I wish I could have given her a hug, but she probable wouldn’t have received it the way it was intended.

The second, although she was  dating boys when we where at school and she was quite “popular” and very pretty, appears (from Facebook) to be a lesbian, so I guess she was wrestling with her own internal demons back then as well. 

Again, I don’t think a hug would have been received as it was intended back then but I wish me “now” could have given her a hug. (having said that, it appears that at least you can hide your homosexuality in some cases, if that’s who or what you are, and “fit in” at school which might have alleviated SOME of the pressure back then, I don’t know, I hope things weren’t as hard for her as they were for me).

I don’t have contact with either of these girls now, I’d like to think they’d look at me now and finally understand me like I try to understand them, but I suspect they probably wouldn’t, there’d likely be the usual string of “you look great!”’s and and “I’m happy for you” etc etc but no, I don’t think they’d put 2+2 together, and I suspect the second girl might even be pretty hostile towards me given how transgenders are  encroaching increasingly on lesbian lives these days.

And so, my school days where pretty lonely, spent mostly sitting in corridors and stairwells or the library at lunch times reading books on my own where no-one would notice me to try and make my life harder.

After My SRS, when I finally started looking for attention, it turns out that most guys who met me (regardless of their home situation, some had wives and children) seemed quite interested in having sex with me (things probably wouldn't have been that way admittedly, if they'd know my birth situation), and this is the start of what has been such an adjustment and really, what this post was supposed to be about.

by the time they’re in their twenties (as I now was) most girls are well and truly used to the idea that boys desire them and want to have sex with them, they adjust to it together, as it all starts to happen at similar times for most of them, I expect many probably talk to each other about it and work out together how things apply to them individually (I guess as the two above were in some ways trying to do with me, in smaller ways than I was, they where different to other girls too, and so they thought/sensed I might have some understanding). 

By the time they’re in their twenties (especially if the have good strong adult female role models or mentors, their mom perhaps) hopefully they’ve learned a little about men, and sex and how to be “selective”.

To start learning that from the very beginning in your twenties, with no-one around to bounce Ideas off of…. there’s great potential to get treated VERY poorly, and to embarrass yourself in a multitude of ways.

I could have done that, been treated poorly, embarrassed myself. Thankfully I had learned a small amount of maturity from having to survive my life in the year or two leading up to my SRS (and after having told my parents and been pretty well shunned by my family), and I was also fortunate in that my partner came into my life pretty early on after SRS.

One thing though, that I find remarkable now is, although I love J with everything I have, and although I feel he is absolutely beautiful, I’m able to look around now at other men and imagine.

It’s a double edged sword, you have a man that loves you and you love him, you feel overjoyed because you never thought growing up that that would be remotely possible for you. You learn to despise yourself and you’re taught that no-one will ever love you but then someone does, and now it seems that others might too.

And there’s so much out there to touch and taste and feel and experience, and your teen years when you should have been able to, they’re gone. People expect that exploration from a teen (these days) not from a woman in her twenties (you).

It’s an interesting position to experience and get your head around, and learn to control and overcome.

"Gender" Theory

Gender theory (at least the female half of it) in a nut shell is this:

A woman’s purpose is to make babies….

And all women should want this, it should be their no.1 priority in life everything they do should be geared towards successful reproduction, how they dress, how they act, they way they have sex, should all be in an effort to attract a male and successfully copulate.

If someone does not conform to the above then they couldn’t possibly be a woman.

This is what men (apparently) think of women.

Reading what I read on the internet, it’s possible that most “feminists” believe that ANYONE who subscribes to any part of the above, is a man/a male/a misogynist.

Now on some level I concur, I also believe many men do believe that and believe that women feel that way.

Many.

Not all.

And I think that to make the assertion that all men think that way, or that if someone thinks that way then they must (accordingly) be male/a man (or have experienced “male enculturation”) is  equally as “sexist” and offensive as this the whole concept above.

Now, yes! I live my life as a woman, and yes!, I feel the pressure in my daily life of "gendered" (sexed) expectation (per the above), and YES! it can feel pretty damn "oppressive" if I let it.

Here’s the thing though:

Personally, I actually DO want children. I’d give anything to be able to get pregnant and have babies, I believe it would be a miracle and something I’d be blessed to know/understand/be a part of (would I be scared? probably, aren't most women at least the first time around?). On an emotional level, it feels natural to me. 

I do not like that I’m not only made to feel bad by society over the fact that I can’t have babies, but then told by “feminists” that I’m a deluded man or that I can’t overcome my “male” enculturation because I vocalise or express that I would want that if I was capable.

(Which translates to: NO, I'm NOT trying to win "gender identity" points, and NO, I was not enculturated from birth into believing I should want that, so think what ever you want to think, explain it however it is that makes you feel all warm and fuzzy about yourself, it makes no difference to me, I don't give a damn wether I'm "good" enough for anyone)

I don’t support the view of women stated at the beginning of the post and yes, again, I concur that many men do think that way (again, not all), I believe it should be a woman’s choice as to wether she wants babies or not, and she should NOT be thought less of if she does not want them (however, I also believe that we each need to get past giving a damn about what everyone thinks of us, it’s not healthy for us to be so obsessed).

HOWEVER!

The ideas outlined actually DO seem to fit a remarkable amount of women, could ALL of those women truly be deluded….. brainwashed by society into believing they want that? (children?) surely SOME must be strong enough to exercise their own free will and ability for independent thought? 

Are ALL women (aside from these “feminists”, a remarkable number of whom it seems, are self declared lesbians, and as such, are probably less likely to get pregnant and become mothers than the bulk of female society) mindless “weak” individuals?

Sound’s to me like many of these supposed “feminists” view females/women in a remarkably similar light to how they suggest men do.

Face up to who you are already! 

Stop blaming your own insecurities on society.

Accept yourself.

Accept that you are as human as anyone else, and as such are equally deserving of love, compassion, respect, companionship, and dignity.

Stop with the complaining and then go seek those things out.

If someone tries to take those things away from you then take those things away from them in return, but here is the secret:

Even if you don’t respect them as a person, make sure the manner in which you take those things away IS “respectful”. 

Leave the door open if you will…

Desperately seeking "womanhood"

It’s natural right? a very human characteristic, the need to “fit in”, be included and “accepted”…..

We all need it, we all need to relate and be understood or at least feel we are.

It is my belief that no-one is actually born a “man” or a “woman”.

My belief is that one becomes one of those things (or the other) as a result of the life they live and the experiences garnered from that life.

“Woman-hood” is a result of experiences gained through interacting with the world as a (recognised by others) female, and vice versa for man-hood/males.

Shared life experiences are what promote inclusion and acceptance into any particular “group”.

Now it’s certainly a lonely world for many, so I can understand why, when I go internet adventuring and stumble across whole bunches o’ (trans)people who are all worked up and angst-y about women and radfems and people who chant that we not be “women” for realz, but I have to wonder what they/we all gain by getting all hot and bothered and insulted and hurt and upset by it all?

The deal is this yo!

You ain’t been one very long!

A “woman” that is….

Chill out!

Calm the fuck down and just go be one (a woman) for a few years.

You’ve done that and you still can’t get over all this hurtful “you ain’t real” stuff?….

Go be one a bit longer! keep doing that until it doesn’t matter wether all these folks think you’re “real” or not.

Did you “transition” to try and meet their approval? or did you “transition” because you just needed to be a girl?

I read all these things on the interwebz, all these blogs and reddits, forums and comment threads, all about being accepted and included, about: 

how can one reconcile being trans and at the same time “gender critical”….. 

how one can help work towards women’s rights/equality when feminists and feminism rejects them/us because we were born male…. 

and each time, when I’m tempted to start a profile so I can throw my $2.50 in, I have to pause and remind myself:

What the fuck would I know?…..

and more importantly:

What the fuck does it matter what I would know?…..

Who am I trying to impress?…..

Why am I trying to impress someone/anyone?

Here is reality as plainly as I can put it:

You aren’t going to change anything. All you are going to do is leave a traceable digital trail (attached to the opinions you’ve written) that someone smart enough might use to hunt you down and expose your real life identity with, if they happen to take exception to your opinions.

But change people’s mind and change the world?….

Not a bloody chance.

You’re far better off just being a woman.

Work hard, find a partner, adopt some kids and be a good mom.

That will do far more for you (in the long run) when it comes to being accepted and included as a woman, trust me!

if you keep to yourself but appear to other women as though you have a relatively happy and “successful” life, they’ll (most of them at least, some are gonna hate you just for the sake of it, that's "people", it's their issue not yours, they're "projecting") want to know how you did it, because the fact is that it’s hard for (women especially, BUT!) anyone, to achieve that.

Be gracious, and dignified, say only what needs be said, and be happy with who you are and the life you’ve given yourself.

These things aren’t easy, I know that (that is why I constantly have to remind myself as per the above), but over time I believe they are the “ticket”.

TDOR

The: Transgender day of remembrance

I was born a Transsexual, I transitioned in my twenties, it was as early as I was able to due my parents lack of realisation of my situation and following that, lack of understanding and support for me and who I told them I am.

Starting in your twenties, being past (in the case of Male born people) male puberty, I believe is probably the most difficult and dangerous way for a transsexual to need to go through “transition”.

Just about every “Trans” person under the sun will argue with me on that, but I will not try to justify my words, I know exactly what I’ve just written, and I believe that to be the exact truth, those who have done it will understand why and those who have not never will understand.

to get through transition in your twenties, means you’re absolutely desperate, and that desperation sees you take constant risks every day.

You keep your mouth shut about things, and you tell yourself that you’re “okay” but the truth is, you’re absolutely visible. 

EVERYONE sees you and EVERYONE knows, there is no “hiding” not if you ever want to “finish”…. not if you ever hope to get to your goal.

You smile the knowing smile to people you have to deal with, and if you don’t have to deal with anyone then you try to blend in with the “furniture” as much as possible.

In all my life, this post I’m writing now is the biggest fuss I’ve ever made about TDOR.

I’m one of the ones who faced a pretty high chance of becoming one of the names this “day” is used for for, and I’ll tell you, I think it, the TDOR, is largely a bastardised big old load of bull shit.

Why?

Two reasons, but the important one is this:

Women don’t need to be born transsexual to be beaten, raped or killed every day of the week.

Women have been being beaten, raped and killed, daily, since the dawn of time.

Are you really just a woman, or are you transgender?

I know what I believe.

The world.

I find it gut wrenching.

Our world and the direction it appears (to me) to be moving in.

In many ways I’m tremendously grateful for my life, I’m certain I have things far better than most people and above all, I have love.

But In other ways My life is quite miserable.

Please don’t misunderstand me here, I don’t want people to put this up as an example of sex change “regrets”, I don’t regret it, my life is better than it ever has been right since early childhood, and if I had to do it all over I think I’d do most things the same again. (It was the best and only option I had, I have no room for regrets)

But here it is:

I need deeply from the depths of my soul (and always have), to be a normal biological and reproductively functional female and I am not.

(alternatively, to feel in my soul that I’m male, would probably have resolved my issue as well and that would have been fine with me also, it would have been much easier! however I tried to make that happen for a very long time and it is evident to me that it never will and that that is not who I am)

To need as badly as I do (and it is NOT simply a “want” it is something I NEED with every fibre of my being), and to not be able to have/be that (normal biological female), is terrifying for me on a daily basis.

Why do I need that?

I wish that I could explain it to you, I wish there was some way I could make it comprehendible to others, but the only way I can vocalise it is to say that I feel it would be the only way for me to know true peace in my heart, peace with myself and who I am.

I feel in my heart that a female is who I am, it is what is natural to me, but my body does not comply in the ways I need it to, and it’s torture.

*******

That in and of itself is torture enough, but now to add insult, I must sit and watch the world go to war with each other over (trans)sex and (trans)gender issues.

I must sit and watch as rights and protections for biological (and physical) females (my "people") are removed.

I must sit and watch as womanhood and what it means to be female and everything I feel and have always felt I need from life in order for fulfilment, is completely disassembled by what, to me, appears to be a cult of self-centred, self-serving (often fetishistic) dominant men.

Made worse by the fact that exploitation of the "theory" behind the condition I was born with, and exploitation of children and young people, are the tools being used in the disassembly.

To put it bluntly, I am the very weapon used against the group I need to be (and feel I am) a part of.

If need arose, my kind could be understood not so long ago, but now….

Now people (females especially) are learning to hate and fear us (and understandably so) more than ever.

“Trans” is so publicised now, there is so much propaganda about what it is and what it means to be “trans”.

“Gender” and “sex” are getting to be so conflated in language and that in turn is bleeding trough into culture and public perception.

“trans” has become popular to some.

life for me has been a soul destroying struggle at times and now some belittle it (and me) by taking it on as an “identity”, a “lifestyle”, or in an attempt to be “cool”.

That makes me want to throw up. I find that disgusting.

Like someone telling a rape victim that they envy them.

“Gender” is not my issue, my body’s sex is and always has been.

Do I believe “gender” exists?

I believe stereotypes and enculturation based on a person’s sex exist, I don’t like to call those things “gender” because I don’t believe they fit what most people are using the word “gender” to mean these days. I also think that word is and can be quickly turned into a tool by which to control people and I don’t support that.

*******

I must sit and read comments on blogs like 4thwavenow from women who are parents.

A big part of me would give nearly anything to be a mother, but the little bit that is left of me thinks that although it seriously guts me, it's probably a blessing in disguise that I can't have my own children. 

Too many people view them (children) as a God given right rather than a privilege, I can't be certain that I would not be just as arrogant as everyone else if I happened to be capable, and I don't believe it should be my place to inflict a life in this world upon someone simply because I want to experience pregnancy and motherhood. 

I’ve been through so much in my life, I’ve learned so much about people, about parenting, about love and about the "culture" of the world around me, in my short (30-ish) years, because of how my condition has effected my life, how it's effected my own mother and my relationship with her (no, she was NOT supportive of me in my treatment and belief of myself, that is ok, she’s human and she did the best she could, I got through, and I love her anyway). In my heart I believe I would make a good mother, I have much love to give and I’m not about myself.

I think a parent-child relationship should be between and about the parent and the child alone. I think that if the thoughts and beliefs of others, of friends, of relatives, of therapists, of people off the internet, need to be included or introduced, then something is very wrong. 

Raising a child should not be about what anyone thinks of you other than the child (to an extent), and you yourself. (can you sleep soundly at night? is a worth while question).

******

I watched a television program yesterday called "A path appears" (it's actually a series, but this episode) focused on prostitution and human trafficking in the United States.

There are so many women abused and controlled from such a young age.

I feel sickness in my heart over it.

over a world that exists like this.

********

All of these things, they all come back to one result.

The truth is that I really don't like the world very much at all, especially as it relates to women, to females and to myself.

I do very much hope the world gets better, but right now I only see it getting worse and I feel powerless to make a difference in that. 

An enforced spectator who’s one of the few who could probably truly make a difference to individual lives if people where prepared to consider her life and perspective, but no-one will. I'm invisible, and to make myself visible likely will not see me received the right way anyway, people's guards are up, I'll be labeled one of "them".....

A "Trans".......

It’s a lonely feeling.

*********

Right now as I write this, I have my television on in the back ground, the movie “The fault in our stars” is playing. It’s fitting for how I feel right now and the movie is one of my favourites. 

Hazel Grace’s experiences and attitude towards life and the world around her is in many ways, much the same as mine.

 She’s a passenger in life, living in constant emotional pain simply passing through the lives of others for a short while, unable and unwilling to make true connections with others, as her life can be taken away so easily.

(Like me) She has/had the treatment because, well, because she must, there's nothing else aside from death, but in truth it's futile. It does not cure her or give her the life she needs, it does not make her normal and "safe" like everyone else. It does not make others understand her nor empathise. 

Perhaps some may genuinely sympathise, but that is not what she needs. She needs to feel properly human.

Only in death might she find peace.

The emotions she shows destroy me, I howl with tears streaming down my face because for someone to conjure her character, means it's possible that there must be at least someone out there in the world who understands me and how I feel.

The difference between hazel and me though, is that she does meet some few people (eventually) who can (on some level) understand her.

I have yet to, and I have my doubts that it will ever truly be possible for me to do so.

Autonomy

This is a difficult post to write for me.

For a couple of reasons.

Firstly, it’s a VERY emotive subject for many people (women especially).

Secondly, given my stated history (on this blog) most women will probably believe (and tell you) that I don’t get to have an opinion on this, that I’m “really just a man” and so I’m “privileged”, always have been and wouldn’t know anything. 

(Interestingly, if it were to happen to me many would probably say it was my fault and that I deserved it because I had SRS and believe I'm a woman, or that somehow it isn't "real" because I can't get pregnant, but in their eyes they would see no double standard. Anyway! C'est la vie! Apparently it's one of the things only biological females can truly experience)

Thirdly, I haven’t been a victim in the way that others have and people will probably think that I’m attempting to conflate myself and my experiences with theirs and that I'm trying to elevate myself and/or diminish their “pain” or belittle them or their experience.

Believe what you will, my own pain is enough for me, I don’t need to make it bigger or compete with others.

So now to the nitty gritty.

Rape.

It’s a huge “taboo” not to be talked about under any circumstances (apparently), like menstruation and many other women’s issues.

You know what, that in itself, that those things are silenced, shits me to tears.

There are some things related to womanhood that are celebrated and never shut up about and they shit me to tears as well. 

Pregnancy, childbirth, and motherhood I’m over hearing about them. NO I don't like that there are special car parks outside shopping malls for parents with strollers, the fact that you have a child does not mean you should have it easier finding a park or have to walk any less distance than the rest of the women without children, you aren't special because you can let some guy knock you up and then spit out a kid (that in many cases, the rest of us will have to pay for anyway)

I hate that women are simply reduced to their ability to breed, and I hate even more that females then buy in to that and tout that as both their Achilles heel and at the very same time, the thing that makes the valid and “special” and that they should be worshiped for.

That fact is, not all women CAN nor DO have children, and I believe that it is those women who most often face the most difficulty in life. (however that is just my opinion)

Anyway, that was a tangent, and not what this post was intended to be about.

This post is going to talk about rape.

I seem to see it and see stories surrounding it a lot lately and you might assume then that I’m wrong and that in fact, it IS being talked about.

Well no, I still don’t think it is. What I mean when I say “talked about” is: talked about freely amongst women.

Women are allowed to have an opinion on rape but they’re also (it seems to me) expected to keep that opinion to themselves, lest someone else feel belittled by their opinions.

We wouldn’t want to be or seem insensitive to others now would we?

I honestly think that that is one of the biggest stumbling blocks holding back women (as a group).

“sensitivity”.

The Idea that the world should be sensitive to us and treat us “fairly” and respect us.

Why?

only because we’re a girl.

Do you not realise that THAT was part of your “gender” enculturation as a child.

The world is NOT friendly, if women want to be treated equally to men then we need to toughen up a bit and stand up for ourselves, and I don’t just mean talking or writing, I mean DOING! defending ourselves.

The world is NOT kind it will NOT look after you, people don’t have to treat you well. If we can get women to learn that early in life then I think things will improve.

Anyway, Rape…..

Here is a little experiment to demonstrate how different a woman’s life experience can be depending simply on the circumstances of her birth (in this case what part of the world she is born into). 

This morning on my browser home page there were two stories about rape.

The first was Chrissy Hyde. Apparently, if you read the story, she experienced rape/sexual assault when she was 21 years old. She shares her personal opinion that she holds herself accountable for what happened and believes that other women who do the same and make similar choices to the ones she made are responsible for what happens as well. 

She does NOT say at any point that all women are responsible for their own rape.

But according to the comments left, she might as well have said that.

What I believe is that she was there, she knows herself better than anyone else, and at 21 she probably should have known the world well enough to know the risks she was taking.

does that make rape any less heinous a crime?

No.

The second story comes out of india, two sisters have been sentenced to be raped and publicly humiliated as punishment for the actions of their brother.

In a word:

Flabbergasted!

It disgusts and angers me that we still live in a world were this kind of thing can take place and be considered by some as “justice”.

And that's without going any further into the issue and talking about WHY a "punishment" like this is even more disgusting and heinous due to the cultural elements involved and as such the resultant long term effects on the lives of these women.

I don’t in anyway condone rape under any circumstances, but worse than rape to me, is ignorance and stupidity by some women who then turn around and scream the loudest at the injustices done to them and by doing so, belittle the suffering that other women truly DO endure.

I hate that it is always the most privileged and entitled of any group who seem to be the ones “representing” everyone else and that once they get what their entitled little heart desires, often at the expense of the rest of the group, they disappear and leave those who are truly in need, to suffer the consequences of their actions.

It is the "entitled" ones that write the arguments (in the public's perception) that defend purportrators 

I think we need to teach our daughters, (and even our sons to a lesser extent) that you CAN be raped, and that if you wait for other people to do the right thing by you, then you are a fool.

We each have free will and the ability to make our own choices.

In life, trauma is caused when we have that autonomy taken away from us. 

Rape is traumatic because of that. That control of the person and her/their body is taken away from them. physical pain resides, scars heal, but trauma remains, feeling powerless remains.

I have not been (in my life so far) sexually assaulted (for which I'm thankful and feel fortunate given the situations I've had to work in), and I pray I never am, but I am very well aware of what it is to have my free will withheld from me.

I make choices every day to maintain my autonomy in every way I can. Most of those choices revolve around keeping my medical history to myself, and not involving myself in discussions with people who would try and tell me who I am and what I can be.

To an extent we all have choices. 

To an extent we’re all responsible for the things that happen to us in life.