The world.

I find it gut wrenching.

Our world and the direction it appears (to me) to be moving in.

In many ways I’m tremendously grateful for my life, I’m certain I have things far better than most people and above all, I have love.

But In other ways My life is quite miserable.

Please don’t misunderstand me here, I don’t want people to put this up as an example of sex change “regrets”, I don’t regret it, my life is better than it ever has been right since early childhood, and if I had to do it all over I think I’d do most things the same again. (It was the best and only option I had, I have no room for regrets)

But here it is:

I need deeply from the depths of my soul (and always have), to be a normal biological and reproductively functional female and I am not.

(alternatively, to feel in my soul that I’m male, would probably have resolved my issue as well and that would have been fine with me also, it would have been much easier! however I tried to make that happen for a very long time and it is evident to me that it never will and that that is not who I am)

To need as badly as I do (and it is NOT simply a “want” it is something I NEED with every fibre of my being), and to not be able to have/be that (normal biological female), is terrifying for me on a daily basis.

Why do I need that?

I wish that I could explain it to you, I wish there was some way I could make it comprehendible to others, but the only way I can vocalise it is to say that I feel it would be the only way for me to know true peace in my heart, peace with myself and who I am.

I feel in my heart that a female is who I am, it is what is natural to me, but my body does not comply in the ways I need it to, and it’s torture.

*******

That in and of itself is torture enough, but now to add insult, I must sit and watch the world go to war with each other over (trans)sex and (trans)gender issues.

I must sit and watch as rights and protections for biological (and physical) females (my "people") are removed.

I must sit and watch as womanhood and what it means to be female and everything I feel and have always felt I need from life in order for fulfilment, is completely disassembled by what, to me, appears to be a cult of self-centred, self-serving (often fetishistic) dominant men.

Made worse by the fact that exploitation of the "theory" behind the condition I was born with, and exploitation of children and young people, are the tools being used in the disassembly.

To put it bluntly, I am the very weapon used against the group I need to be (and feel I am) a part of.

If need arose, my kind could be understood not so long ago, but now….

Now people (females especially) are learning to hate and fear us (and understandably so) more than ever.

“Trans” is so publicised now, there is so much propaganda about what it is and what it means to be “trans”.

“Gender” and “sex” are getting to be so conflated in language and that in turn is bleeding trough into culture and public perception.

“trans” has become popular to some.

life for me has been a soul destroying struggle at times and now some belittle it (and me) by taking it on as an “identity”, a “lifestyle”, or in an attempt to be “cool”.

That makes me want to throw up. I find that disgusting.

Like someone telling a rape victim that they envy them.

“Gender” is not my issue, my body’s sex is and always has been.

Do I believe “gender” exists?

I believe stereotypes and enculturation based on a person’s sex exist, I don’t like to call those things “gender” because I don’t believe they fit what most people are using the word “gender” to mean these days. I also think that word is and can be quickly turned into a tool by which to control people and I don’t support that.

*******

I must sit and read comments on blogs like 4thwavenow from women who are parents.

A big part of me would give nearly anything to be a mother, but the little bit that is left of me thinks that although it seriously guts me, it's probably a blessing in disguise that I can't have my own children. 

Too many people view them (children) as a God given right rather than a privilege, I can't be certain that I would not be just as arrogant as everyone else if I happened to be capable, and I don't believe it should be my place to inflict a life in this world upon someone simply because I want to experience pregnancy and motherhood. 

I’ve been through so much in my life, I’ve learned so much about people, about parenting, about love and about the "culture" of the world around me, in my short (30-ish) years, because of how my condition has effected my life, how it's effected my own mother and my relationship with her (no, she was NOT supportive of me in my treatment and belief of myself, that is ok, she’s human and she did the best she could, I got through, and I love her anyway). In my heart I believe I would make a good mother, I have much love to give and I’m not about myself.

I think a parent-child relationship should be between and about the parent and the child alone. I think that if the thoughts and beliefs of others, of friends, of relatives, of therapists, of people off the internet, need to be included or introduced, then something is very wrong. 

Raising a child should not be about what anyone thinks of you other than the child (to an extent), and you yourself. (can you sleep soundly at night? is a worth while question).

******

I watched a television program yesterday called "A path appears" (it's actually a series, but this episode) focused on prostitution and human trafficking in the United States.

There are so many women abused and controlled from such a young age.

I feel sickness in my heart over it.

over a world that exists like this.

********

All of these things, they all come back to one result.

The truth is that I really don't like the world very much at all, especially as it relates to women, to females and to myself.

I do very much hope the world gets better, but right now I only see it getting worse and I feel powerless to make a difference in that. 

An enforced spectator who’s one of the few who could probably truly make a difference to individual lives if people where prepared to consider her life and perspective, but no-one will. I'm invisible, and to make myself visible likely will not see me received the right way anyway, people's guards are up, I'll be labeled one of "them".....

A "Trans".......

It’s a lonely feeling.

*********

Right now as I write this, I have my television on in the back ground, the movie “The fault in our stars” is playing. It’s fitting for how I feel right now and the movie is one of my favourites. 

Hazel Grace’s experiences and attitude towards life and the world around her is in many ways, much the same as mine.

 She’s a passenger in life, living in constant emotional pain simply passing through the lives of others for a short while, unable and unwilling to make true connections with others, as her life can be taken away so easily.

(Like me) She has/had the treatment because, well, because she must, there's nothing else aside from death, but in truth it's futile. It does not cure her or give her the life she needs, it does not make her normal and "safe" like everyone else. It does not make others understand her nor empathise. 

Perhaps some may genuinely sympathise, but that is not what she needs. She needs to feel properly human.

Only in death might she find peace.

The emotions she shows destroy me, I howl with tears streaming down my face because for someone to conjure her character, means it's possible that there must be at least someone out there in the world who understands me and how I feel.

The difference between hazel and me though, is that she does meet some few people (eventually) who can (on some level) understand her.

I have yet to, and I have my doubts that it will ever truly be possible for me to do so.