Identity Politics - what is a woman?

Where do you draw the line on what is a woman?....

It's funny how no-one in the opression olymipics seems to care about where the line is drawn for "man-hood"

How many men do you suppose need to take genetic tests or produce birth certificates to prove their eligibility to compete.

I'm talking (of course) about the women's boxing at the Paris Olympics. Specifically about Imane Khelif.

People the world over cried out about the injustice of a "man" fighting women, no-one had conclusive evidence of her biological sex (yes, I said "her" and I'll explain why shortly), everyone took a look at her and simply assumed that she was male "pretending" to be a female, a "trans-woman" if you will .

Personally, I looked at her and I figured there was something going on, but I wasn't necessarily certain that the above was the case.

As someone who has been there, I look for the features most people don't typically look for or miss. The brow bone being the biggest thing for me most of the time (distinctive for men and women and very hard to change), but the thing is, Imane has a pretty normal brow bone and hair line for a female in my opinion and there aren't many biological males who do. On the other hand, her nose mouth and jaw are very masculine. 

So in my opinion, something about her was different but I wasn't really convinced she was "trans"

So as it turns out, if you can believe what you read on the internet: 

 https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-13702699/I-grew-Imane-Khelifs-village-family-stunned-gender-row-right-fight-woman-Algerian-boxers-TV-anchor-pal-launches-passionate-defence-heroic-star-46-second-bout-Angela-Carini.html?utm_source=social-facebook-sport&utm_medium=ito&utm_campaign=imagelink-olympics&ito=social-facebook-sport&fbclid=IwY2xjawEdJXxleHRuA2FlbQIxMAABHckkDyfLfL6yeX05BYTohBu1NBNB7nAhYxkOSK6xgxn86mRON5ob1v-vZw_aem_65gZNRU7CogH9Fu2N_lH3g

Imane, was born with a genetic abnormality. I suspect she was born with female genitalia and no-one probably thought anything of it, her birth certificate was marked F and her parents got on with raising their daughter.

Until recently, she may never have even questioned that she was a "girl", although I can't see how she or her parents would not have been at least a little concerned when menstruation did not start and at least go see a doctor to investigate.

In the article above, there are (apparent) childhood photos of her (again, if you can believe what you read on the internet, however, in this case I kinda do, that family photo is pretty hard to fake).

Now on the other hand, the expressions, the body movements, all come across as very masculine to me, like someone who's never really been conscious of their "difference".

So why "her" well I try to look at the world as practically as possible, (because it suits my personal position in this world and we all have to get to sleep at night right?...) She was raised as a girl, and presumably has had most if not all of the expectations placed on women in her culture, placed on her. From what I've read it seems she functions as a woman on a daily basis, and if the Dr's didn't find a good enough willy to declare her a boy at birth (in a culture that isn't exactly known for being "kind" to women) then I have to assume she doesn't have one.

In my world, you live like other women (as completely as you physically can, no "excuses" about why you have to keep your "peen" or excuses about anything else for that matter) then you are a "woman". Woman-hood is about lived experience. So, I respect that she is a woman, hence "she".

NOW! before you go get all up in my grille.....

Do I think she should be/have been allowed to compete against other women?

Well it's like this......

The world is a very unfair place. Life can be extremely cruel (I like to think I know a thing or two about how cruel life can be, but) I can't imagine what it would be like and how selfless someone would have to be to let go of something they've trained their whole life to do. Especially when they don't see anything different about themselves to anyone else and or who they've always believed themselves to be, BUT, I think unfortunately, that would have been the right thing for Imane to do. (probably would need to be a woman to do that, a man would feel entitled to compete, if you know what I mean) 

The reality is, it has become evident that she is NOT like all other women and that "difference" sees her to having an advantage over most if not all women. 

Personally, I believe if you can't win fairly, then where is the satisfaction in winning at all? (that's just me)

Anyway, what I find more interesting is the publics varied and varying positions on the matter.

So may comments from people defending Imane when they find out she was born and raised as a girl, and on the other hand so many others declaring her a man based 100% on apparent chromosome testing (which I still haven't been able to find anywhere).

I wonder how these people would feel if they'd lived their entire lives believing they were a (mostly) normal female, only to have the entire world tell them in a single day that their entire life was a lie and that they are a MAN! (shock  horror!, oh the shame!)

Imagine, you've NEVER questioned yourself not even for a second and neither has anyone else in your life and then overnight the world turns on you.

It's so easy for people to judge, so easy to drag that old pitchfork out and light up that torch

I also watched a program the other day where the host said in-spite of the fact that Imane is apparently NOT transgender, it was still "trans" people's fault that "he" was allowed to compete and beat up women.

So here I sit in my living room thousands of miles away with my husband napping peacefully on the couch across from me, and it's MY fault....

Just like everything else these days I guess.....

Cest la vie!

I'll say it again, "Blaire White is NOT!! a Transsexual"

 I'm not normally one to harp on about things, I tend to think it makes me look petty and like I have no life and nothing better to do, but when I'm right, I'm fucking RIGHT!

Blaire White put a new video on youtube recently, I Went To Therapy To Figure Out Why I'm Transgender.. 

In the video, Blaire talks to David Sutcliffe, whom (from what I can find), is NOT a trained and or licensed Psychiatrist, he is apparently a "certified Core Energetics" practitioner though, what that has to do with sex and gender issues and treatments I have no F'ing idea!

Early in the interview the talk is of Blaire being different and "effeminate" at a very early age, and everyone realising even before Blaire did.

Blaire goes on to spend most of the interview talking about Blaire's father, Blaire's hatred for him and what he did to Blaire as a child. 

Blaire believes Blaire is probably trans because of a response to early trauma.

But then, at 26:40 minutes, Blaire talks about possible Prenatal causes.

Blaire is also partially/borderline autistic (apparently).

 Here's the deal folks, these things are called co-morbidities. If Blaire had been treated correctly, and by that I mean, according to the old standards of care, by a proper psychiatrist, these co-morbidities would have been investigated prior to Blaire's transition and it's probable "Blaire" would not be here.

So, getting back to what I said in my previous post, For a Transsexual, primary sex characteristics ARE important, up there with (if not) THE MOST important issue we have to deal with. There are other issues that can lead a person to cross-sexed or cross-gendered behaviour, but Transsexuals are unique in that we ALWAYS seek to change our genitals to match (as best we can) the sex opposite our sex at birth. No excuses, no ifs, ands, buts or maybes, PERIOD, end of story.

Blaire goes on to say it's not "politically correct" to say that trauma caused one to be "trans".

I would say, it's acceptability has NOTHING to do with political correctness, the reason it is not to be spoken about is because it would raise a flag and prevent people like Blaire, with co-morbidities and ulterior motives for seeking these treatments, from getting them. 

In short, doctors don't want law suits, so anything like this, might stop a doctor from assisting with cross-sexed therapies for fear that the patient might have regrets and sue later on.

Blaire knows Blaire is NOT female and Blaire knows Blaire is NOT a woman, Blaire is wearing a costume of convenience and I suspect one day when it is no-longer as useful as it is currently, Blaire will take that costume off and revert back to being a man. At that time Blaire will need the Penis Blaire has dutifully kept, (and) Blaire knows this which is WHY Blaire has kept it (it has nothing to do with in-adequate treatments and all the other bullshit Blaire has touted).

I'd say it will happen quite soon in fact, most likely right when the Transgender wave finally crashes and De-transition becomes en vogue, watch and see Blaire's youtube channel "grow" then.

And none of this would make even the slightest difference to me, except that Blaire claims (or has claimed) publicly to be Transsexual, which means the mainstream population and medical community form their opinion of what a Transsexual (IE, ME) is on people like Blaire.

Blaire will be viewed as some "expert" on what it is to be transsexual, Blaire will be the next Walt Heyer when in reality, Blaire has no idea about being transsexual, Blaire is just an effeminate gay man with daddy issues.

You can see the push back happening all around the world at the moment. The state of Kansas and The country of Hungary are examples, both recently barred the changing of sex designation on a persons identity documents regardless of wether one can prove they've had SRS or not.

These "loud, proud, public", activists are doing more to hurt people like me who just want to fix our problem and get on with our lives, than any kind of good that could come from them.

And as a result, I hope that there is a special place reserved in hell for them.

And hopefully, that's the last I'll have to say about Blaire White.

Shit or get off of the pot: Blaire White is not a transsexual.

 People love Blaire or at least they appear to love Blaire. There are comment sections full of praise and worship for her especially on YouTube.

I like and agree with a fair amount of what she says and the positions she takes on many things, (even though I think many of her positions are rehearsed and put forward to garner approval), but there is a line between the type of person Blaire is and the type of person that I am. That line will forever seperate us.

To the average onlooker, when she’s sitting next to all these transgender people on stages and TV shows, Blaire is a transsexual.

 She’s still quite young, she has a small and delicate frame, and she’s quite acceptable (appearance wise) as a female, and her voice is nearly perfect.

 Heck, even I could just about buy that she is a transsexual.

 Except….

Except that I’ve met people like Blaire before. In real life. 

Young, (or at least youthful), slight in frame, easily “pass-able”. 

One in particular springs to mind, let’s call her Stacey.

I met Stacey when I was transitioning. She was in her 20’s, we where the same age at the time, but we where complete opposites from a physical perspective.

She was short, small hands, small feet, perfect build, great hair, very little body hair.

Me?... puberty had been very cruel to me, I was 5’11, badly receding hairline, big hands, big feet, big frame, big ears even. Blonde facial hair (if you understand the relevance of blonde facial hair you, know where I’m coming from). It seems I got all the worst possible genetics from each side of my family, at least for someone with my condition.

I envied Stacey.

Stacey was already on hormones when I first met her. I was on hormones a few months later, by the next time I saw her.

I can’t quite remember but I think she’d had a boyfriend, and she had tried her luck with women as well. I’d never had a relationship with anyone.

The last time I saw her, she’d not long had vocal surgery to feminise her voice. She was amazed at what I’d achieved with my voice with no help whatsoever. (The trick is to sing, find songs from female singers and try to emulate, if it’s in you, you’ll work it out soon enough).

We met through a mutual friend who was post-op and older than us and who tried to help people by running kind of a support organisation (not a support group as such, but more like a phone support line with a drop in centre).

That same friend used to tell me not to be envious of Stacey, that her and I were different and that she’d seen people like Stacey before. They’d blow in and out, sometimes it was a month, between visits, sometimes it was 8 months, but you never saw any progress, they got to where the were and now they were stuck.

They always had a “plan” for how they where going to go and get the “surgery”, but that plan never materialised.

They could do everything else, the boobs the face, the voice, but could never quite get around to the bedroom equipment. Or else they had a reason why they couldn’t do it.

I vaguely remember phoning my friend when I was recovering from my reassignment surgery, to tell her that all had gone ok, and Stacey happened to be with her. She (Stacey) got on the phone and congratulated me, and told me how she’d be getting her surgery soon, but she didn’t have a date yet. 

I never heard from her after that.

When I see Blaire, I think of Stacey.

You see, the thing about being transsexual is that what is between your legs is a BIG problem, it's not the ONLY problem, but it's up there with being the biggest.

Does reassignment surgery fix that problem? no, but it makes that problem manageable and there are no other realistic long term treatments that have proved to me to be successful.

(and no, I don't advocate for children transitioning).

Whilst Blaire talks a very convincing talk and tells people she is a transsexual, her actions and thought patterns don’t (I believe) support that diagnosis. 

Explain?…..

Well to start with, Blaire believes that “trans-women” are not Women.

So lets break that down a little, the popular question going around lately is: 

“what is a woman?”….

To which my response is:

The term “woman” (in my understanding) refers to a societal position typically held by an adult human female.

Notice I said typically. Typically as in, not always, but most of the time. What I believe makes someone a “woman” is lived experience.

So, you would say that, transsexuals don’t live the same experience as biological females, to which I would say, bullshit.

Transsexuals don’t mensurate. 

Not all females do.

Transsexuals don’t have babies.

Not all Females do.

Granted, most females experience those things BUT, if those lived experiences are the only ways you measure womanhood then I’m sure there are a great many biological females who don’t measure up and would like to talk to you.

So can a male born transsexual be a “woman”? 

Yes, I believe they can if they make certain choices. 

Are all male born transsexuals women?

In this day and age I’d say they certainly are NOT.

Now, a completely different question is: are male born transsexuals female?

I know what I believe in my own mind, but all current science says NO, they are male.

Man <-> Male, Woman <-> Female

These words are NOT interchangeable although people try to use them as though they are (if they were, why would we need two different words for the same thing?). One refers to a biological state of being, the other refers to a role in society.

Right, so what have I established here with regards to what Blaire has said?

Well although she didn’t mean it the way I’m going to interpret it here, she is in fact correct, “trans-women” aren’t women, but not all Transsexuals ARE “trans-women” either, some are just women.

Next up.

Blaire believes that “trans-women” are a class of men.

I’m sorry but this statement is straight out of the Transgender play book. It is an impossibility to be two different and opposite things at the same time although transgender people would like you to believe that they can feel like a man one day and feel like a woman the next and it’s up to you to work out which one they are at any given time.

Now If instead of that, Blaire had said she believes: “trans-women are a type of male”, I’d have no real issue, she’d be (in my opinion) factually correct.

The last problem I have with Blaire (for now) is in this interview and around 37 minutes.

Blaire talks about “pass-ability” (for want of a better word) and how some people are less likely than others to pass and that this should be a consideration when confronting the prospect of “transition”

And THIS is what I meant earlier on when I spoke about the line between people like Blaire and people like me and how we will never truly be the same thing and WHY I say Blaire is NOT a transsexual.

What Blaire has done, just like what Stacey did, was all about choice and opportunity.

Blaire has chosen to be who she is, she’s chosen to be a “trans-woman” and she’s chosen for everyone to know that she IS a “trans-woman”. She continues to choose to keep her birth anatomy and belittle those who have had what she describes to be an inadequate treatment when in reality, it's not about that, it's about a mans penis being important to him.

Like Stacey, Blaire had an agreeable body type and she thought she could do it, and that it would be an easier existence for her than being a small gay man. She could have the concessions afforded to an attractive woman, rather than being treated like crap and possibly victimised for being a small gay man.

Transsexuals don’t get to make those choices. We only get one choice, and that is, to fix our problems to the best of our ability, or to blow our brains out. 

Dylan Mulvaney, Jazz Jennings, The Daily Wire, “what is a woman?”, right vs left….

 Stop the world, I want to get off.

It’s been a while huh?….

I feel like “trans” hysteria has absolutely exploded in the last 12 to 18 months, however, I realise it has been gradually building over many years. Decades even.

These days I don’t give a heck of a lot of thought or consideration to the fact that I was born a transsexual. 

Until I get online that is. 

When I open my laptop, it’s everywhere. 

When I was younger I used to have to search for information, but not now, now, it’s in my facebook feed on all the pages, people ridiculing trannies. It’s all over youtube, it’s even on a fucking beer can apparently.

And when I say “it” I don’t mean me, I don’t mean “transsexuals” I mean drag queens and peadophiles claiming they are really “women” or “girls”, claiming that they are “trans”.

All of this shit scares the bejeesuz out of me!

Why?

Because I live my life daily without discussing my situation with anyone. To the people in my daily life I am just a strange woman, one that can do all sorts of different things and who isn’t afraid to work hard (physically) and who probably doesn’t care as much as she should about her appearance.

On the one hand I can weld, and fix just about anything mechanical, on the other hand I’ve set up and run whole business for the last 10 years straight. I’ve done our admin, accounts, payroll and HR, secured work with multinational companies, fought legal battles in the courts and won, all without any formal training or qualifications. I teach myself what I need to know in order to achieve what I need to achieve. And most of the above has been done in support of the man that I love.

My partner an I have been together 10 years this year. 

My life is a LIFE. 

I look back now, knowing what I know and having learned what I’ve learned, and think, If I’d been able to feel comfortable being a “man” myself then I probably would have been a power-house. 

And yet, if I had stayed as I was, I firmly believe that I’d still be stuck with a numb mind, plagued by the in-escapable feeling of wrongness and despair, and that I wouldn’t be loved.

Did “transition” fix me?…

No. I still hate myself, and my body, thank you for asking.

BUT! I can deal with it now and my life is a LIFE. 

I make a difference to some people, even if I can’t effect the world in the ways that I long too.

And then, I open my computer and it’s everywhere. 

The world hates me.

Hates what I am.

My existence reduces women and womanhood to just a hole for a man to have sex with.

And if that isn’t enough, I shot and killed some kids at a school in Nashville the other day. (no disrespect intended to the families, I’m devastated for them)

So, I can’t say I blame people, I probably deserve to be hated. Heck, if I was them (and I am really) I’d hate me too! 

I spend my whole life caring for others, my appearance suffers probably because I ask for so little for myself, but I’m really just a man with a fetish. A mental illness. 

I often wonder what Jordan Peterson might make of me…. but that would be cheating wouldn’t it?…. we all know that studies show the long term effects of gender transition are hard to come by and where you do see them, they show that treatment is largely unsatisfactory, that success stories are practically non-existent.

I wonder why it’s hard to follow up with people post “transition”?…. 

I mean, fuck. 

I probably shouldn’t even be writing this post and who the fuck know’s wether it will ever actually see the light of day, because I wouldn’t want anyone trying to steal my thoughts and emotions to justify their lifestyle choices.

Further more, can you guess how many of the “professionals” who treated me back in the day, have stayed “in touch” to see how I’ve been going?….

And then there’s Jazz….

Jazz Jennings.

Jazz Jennings?

Jazz Jennings,

Oh and I nearly forgot!

Jazz Jennings! (note: again with the hole for a man to have sex with! 12:58)

I’ve always had my reservations about Jazz. 

I didn’t watch that tv show that they made about Jazz (I’m guessing it would have been highly traumatic for me), but I have seen snippets over time and segments on Jazz and Interviews over the years. To me, from what I’ve seen, for someone who has been living as a girl from such a young age, I would think Jazz should “present” as female much better than it appears jazz does. 

It’s hard to explain what I mean by this, to me, much of presentation and demeanour is “learned throughout childhood (conditioned if you will), and if one’s heart is truly in being the opposite sex, then one watches and tries to blend with the opposite sex. Much like members of the same sex observe each other and emulate and eventually blend in with each other.

This may however also be that Jazz’s parents also “cut Jazz slack” due to the fact that Jazz is/was actually a boy.

(EG, I remember my parents chastising my sister for not being “lady-like” growing up, not sitting like a girl etc, I did not get this same treatment as I was not the same as my sister, a girl).

I don’t mean to sound overly critical, but let me see if I can show you what I’m trying to get at.

The way Jazz sits at 2:44 in this video, is just one example, but I see many others right throughout any footage I’ve seen.

What I’m reminded of is the older men coming into electrolysis when I was going through transition (my electrologist was TS also). These people would come in and bitch about the women in their lives not being accepting of them and criticise women in general, and to me it showed their chauvinistic nature. What they were doing was an act for people who might be watching, but their truth was on full display when they felt they were in a place where people didn’t care and weren’t judging them. They didn’t view themselves as “the same” as other women at all it was an "outfit" for them to put on, but this time they were doing it permanently. 

Or,

The patients at the clinic where I had my reassignment surgery. One of the clinic staff had to sit with a group of patients (routinely) and “educate” us one how to look after our new equipment, informing us that intercourse was a bad idea for at least 6-12 months, at which time I remember a younger patient (french if I remember correctly) asked wether they were still ok for their boyfriend to fuck them up the ass? (pretty much verbatim) and then got quite hostile with the nurse when they where advised against it.

To me, none of these people ever “vibed” as people I could relate too. They never seemed like people overcoming a hurdle that had stopped them living their whole life, or like people who’d worried no-one could ever love them or even know them fully.

Anyway, back to Jazz, there was a massive youtube pile-on with right-winger’s (for the record, I’d consider myself a right-winger as well) stating that Jazz regrets “transition”, that Jazz’s mother pushed Jazz into it, and that Jazz will de-transition. All referenced the same video clip of Jazz and Mom with Jazz saying they want to feel like themself etc etc.

Now, I’m not saying they’re wrong (I think they’re probably right), but, it’s also a possibility that Jazz had unreasonably high expectations of the results and the reality of transition’s limitations are or have become evident to Jazz and Jazz just hasn’t learned to manage the fact that they aren’t going to be everything they where promised they would be.

I’m not Jazz.

I know my read on the situation, but TV is what it is and people will edit things to look a certain way if they think it will increase ratings.

And this whole post leads me back to me and my partner. 

We made love this morning (Saturday or Sunday seem to be the only times we wake up together at a reasonable hour and don’t have to get up early and go to work), I cried a little after. He asked me what was wrong? I told him I was fine, but the truth is he deserves better than me. He’s an amazing man and has known my situation since a month or two into our relationship and we’re still going strong, but with all of the above pervading my brain constantly, how could I ever be “good enough” for anyone?

I’m not a woman after all.

Not real.

I’m nothing.

I’m a joke.

Inclusion

Life is difficult.

I probably sound in my posts as though I’m constantly complaining about how difficult (my) life is and then I always, (in the next breath) say how I have things better than most….

Look, what I write is as real as I can make it.

Life for a post-op “stealth” (I hate that word) transsexual IS difficult.

I write this blog primarily for myself, but also for others, specifically others who may want to know issues they may need to personally manage in their future, or alternatively, people helping and supporting others who may face similar issues in future.

It would help me to know that what I feel is common for people who have walked this path, and that things will be ok, that life will go on, and that I will get through these things. Maybe even some advice on how to handle certain issues and emotions would be nice, but I have looked very hard and if someone else out there has chronicled their experiences like this, I certainly cannot seem to find them anywhere.

So I’m left to wander through life often feeling alone and directionless.

My mom is down for a few weeks staying with me. This week we went out looking at wedding dresses for my wedding later this year.

I tried a few dresses on, she was good, honest with me about what she liked and thought looked good on me and what she didn’t like. There was one we both thought looked good, but I didn’t buy it, although I thought it looked nice, I didn’t absolutely LOVE it and it was pretty expensive. 

Driving home, we where talking and my mom informs me that she had a bit of a “moment” watching me try on dresses.

Now, for most moms, that moment would likely be one of happiness or maybe pride, but if you’re a transsexual, no.

My mom’s moment was one of sadness.

She didn’t look at me and see her beautiful daughter, she was instead reminded of what she “had”, what she “lost”. That she won’t get to see or achieve what she had planned on seeing in her life. That her life didn’t turnout as she’d planned, maybe “hoped” (I don’t know).

My life was a huge battle to get to where I am, and I’m not really even allowed to fully enjoy what I’ve battled for, because to be who I am and have the things I need or want from life, constantly seems to hurt people that I love.

Transsexualism really is a “no win” situation. No win EVER. You strive constantly to just be “normal” but no matter how normal your life is nor seems, or how normal you personally might feel, life never leaves you alone.

I’ve also been thinking lately how to gain inclusion socially.

I don’t have very many female friends, not good friends that you actually spend time with or socialize with go out for a drink with etc.

Now, I don’t really hide myself away, people know (of) me and I try to be friendly, and kind, but unless I’m out with J as a couple, I don’t really have anyone that I go out on my own with (except for maybe my 6 year old niece in-law).

I get along pretty well with my hairdresser but I’m business to her I guess….

So social inclusion is a hard thing to master or come by.

And that makes me wonder, am I intimidating as a person? do look I physically intimidating?

The women I know are nice enough when they’re around me, they speak as though it’s expected that I’m one of them (female, a girl) and that I should know life as they do, but then I feel like there’s things occasionally that I could be included in, and yet they choose not to include me.

I’m not hurt by this, I don’t want to force myself into any group or onto (in a metaphysical sense) any body, I hate even the idea that I might be somewhere where people don’t want me, but it’s natural for all of us, as humans, to seek social interaction and belonging, and I’m no different in nature.

I question wether although people never ever let on, do they (on a subconscious level) sense my situation and repel away from it and me?

In my gut, part of me feels they probably do, but even my own mother tells me she thinks most people don’t have any clue, it’s very hard for me to gauge and that makes it pretty much impossible to know if the problem is me, is how I look, or maybe something I’m doing, and (as a result) if there is something/anything I could do to change this part of my life for the better.

It makes me sad an anxious.

I’d like to feel like I’m good enough for people to want to have me around.

Now this post sounds pretty morbid and depressed, but it is nothing remarkable to a transsexual. This is (in many ways) just our life. if we could choose or could have (realistically) chosen for our situation to be different then we would have done in the blink of an eye, but we can’t, this life is simply what was bestowed upon us at birth.

It’s a no “win” situation, the only real choice you have is do you quit or do you keep going, living out your days the best you can.

This is the dress I'm pretty sure I would like 

this is the dress we both thought looked nice on me

The difficulties of Success

I’ve been thinking of writing something for a few weeks now, but I’m not sure what it is I want or need to write nor how I might articulate with words, the feelings and emotions I need or hope to release by writing.

As I sit here, my fiancee is in bed in the next room, we’ve traveled up the coast for a weekend away with some friends of ours to a little coastal town where his (retired) parents are currently staying. We’ve spent the day relaxing with our friends and his parents and their friends, had afternoon drinks, a BBQ lunch and other than that, done very little other than relaxed, which is pretty rare for us and very much needed.

Yes, I called him my fiancee, we’re engaged now as of a few months ago.

This particular town has a great many memories for me, it’s become quite a popular holiday area, but that is only in the last ten or so years, before that it was more of a small fishing village. 

I spent nearly every school and christmas holidays here every year until I turned about 15-16. My great grandparents where some of the first settlers of the town back in the late 60’s, to this day their names can be found on many historic buildings and landmarks all over the town , but where once everybody would have know them, the place has grown and changed now and I suspect very few current residents would know who they where if asked.

There never used to be a McDonalds here, no Kentucky fried Chicken, there where no big supermarket chains, only small independent grocery stores. high rise apartment complexes line the main road that runs along the water front now, there’s traffic lights in the main street.

My great grandparents house still stands in the same place but it’s been nearly two years since I last had the chance to drive through here and since I last saw the house it has been brought by the tourist park next door and completely remodelled.

It’s an odd feeling.

When I come here it feels so much like home, so familiar.

But I am not the person it used to think it new me to be, and this is not the place I used to know.

And that’s sad for me.

I see the young girls wandering around in their summer clothes, going to the beach, enjoying the sun, some chase the boys and some with boys chasing them, hardly much of a care in their world (at least it seems)

I missed out on that.

I love this place so much and I want to go back to (and remember) my childhood, but all I can really feel (when I try) is melancholy. The safety and comfort of familiarity but at the same time, fear, anxiety and the feeling of being “cheated”.

I like to think that my great grandmother might be proud of the woman I am and have become, she was a strong woman herself, but I can’t be sure. I don’t know what my “Pa” would think, he died when I was very young, maybe 4 or 5, sadly I don’t remember very much of him but I would hope he might be proud too. they where from a very different time though, so who would know? I know my grandparents, (their children) didn’t support me and weren’t very accepting of me, but I like to think they might have been different.

This is life though, some things we will never know, and you can live in the past but it gets you nowhere really, all you can do is make your decisions, live by them and move forward.

And that brings me back to my fiancee, our friends and his parents.

These people have known me now for a few years, they don’t question me, they speak openly on all manner of things including “transgender” people, homosexual people and so on.

My life is relatively “normal” for a woman, and in some ways that can create some personal difficulties.

As much as I’d like to pretend everything was just a “bad dream”, it wasn’t. 

It happened.

It was traumatic.

In many ways it still IS traumatic.

But who would understand that?

How can one deal with a traumatic experience, and deal with continuing hurt and heartache, if one’s only real option (if they seek/desire to maintain their current life, as I do) is keep those things and experiences bottled up?

Shared life experiences, promote “companionship” and empathy, these are things humans seek in order to evaluate our own wellbeing. These things help us be “ok”, they help us “heal”.

But I can’t find anyone.

Now, it stands to reason that I cannot find anyone in my “real” life, I don’t go around telling people about my situation or my history, so it stands to reason that anyone with the same situation and a similar history, probably isn’t out there telling people about theirs either. People can’t or don’t “pick” me so how or why would I be able to “pick” them?

At least in theory!

I’m actually pretty confident that I would “pick” someone if I did happen to run into them, but not because of appearance.

I truthfully just don’t think I’ve ever come across anyone.

So the next place a person might consider is the internet.

This…..

….is the kind of person I find on the internet. This is the kind of person “trans” people (apparently) look up too.

Who else do I find?

No-one really. I haven’t run across any blogs recently that speak of a life and outlook like mine and believe me I have looked

There’s plenty out there from guys in their mid-to-late 30’s, early 40’s, 50’s and 60’s, with wives and sometimes children, who claim to be “transitioning” but I’m sure most of whom will never loose the appendage they where “blessed” with at birth.

But their life is not mine now is it?, and it’s not likely to ever be mine either is it?

There’s even getting to be quite a few from parents of young children, who are all balled up tight and afraid for their child’s future because they read all about those guy’s in their mid-to-late 30’s early 40’s, 50’s and 60’s

These parents never connect the dots that these guys are NOT the same as their children, because they never stumble across people like me and blogs like mine.

They don’t see a future like my life, as any kind of a possibility for their child.

It is these parent’s fears that rub off on and create the same fears in their children.

And then all things become a self-fulfilling prophecy. 

It doesn’t have to be that way.

They could calm down and realise the big difference which is that their children haven’t gone off and married women and fathered children. they haven’t ever been “men”.

Mean while me,

I would like someone I can talk to about becoming a foster or adoptive mother (from a situation like my own). 

Someone I can talk to about marriage and kids when the person they are married too is a genuinely heterosexual male, who would truly love to be a biological father, but is (seemingly) prepared to forgo that dream to be with you, knowing full well that you cannot have your own, that you cannot give him HIS own, and knowing the reason why.

That paragraph itself has enough in it to make almost any genetic female insecure, let-a-lone a transsexual girl, with all of our other insecurities piled on top.