Autonomy

This is a difficult post to write for me.

For a couple of reasons.

Firstly, it’s a VERY emotive subject for many people (women especially).

Secondly, given my stated history (on this blog) most women will probably believe (and tell you) that I don’t get to have an opinion on this, that I’m “really just a man” and so I’m “privileged”, always have been and wouldn’t know anything. 

(Interestingly, if it were to happen to me many would probably say it was my fault and that I deserved it because I had SRS and believe I'm a woman, or that somehow it isn't "real" because I can't get pregnant, but in their eyes they would see no double standard. Anyway! C'est la vie! Apparently it's one of the things only biological females can truly experience)

Thirdly, I haven’t been a victim in the way that others have and people will probably think that I’m attempting to conflate myself and my experiences with theirs and that I'm trying to elevate myself and/or diminish their “pain” or belittle them or their experience.

Believe what you will, my own pain is enough for me, I don’t need to make it bigger or compete with others.

So now to the nitty gritty.

Rape.

It’s a huge “taboo” not to be talked about under any circumstances (apparently), like menstruation and many other women’s issues.

You know what, that in itself, that those things are silenced, shits me to tears.

There are some things related to womanhood that are celebrated and never shut up about and they shit me to tears as well. 

Pregnancy, childbirth, and motherhood I’m over hearing about them. NO I don't like that there are special car parks outside shopping malls for parents with strollers, the fact that you have a child does not mean you should have it easier finding a park or have to walk any less distance than the rest of the women without children, you aren't special because you can let some guy knock you up and then spit out a kid (that in many cases, the rest of us will have to pay for anyway)

I hate that women are simply reduced to their ability to breed, and I hate even more that females then buy in to that and tout that as both their Achilles heel and at the very same time, the thing that makes the valid and “special” and that they should be worshiped for.

That fact is, not all women CAN nor DO have children, and I believe that it is those women who most often face the most difficulty in life. (however that is just my opinion)

Anyway, that was a tangent, and not what this post was intended to be about.

This post is going to talk about rape.

I seem to see it and see stories surrounding it a lot lately and you might assume then that I’m wrong and that in fact, it IS being talked about.

Well no, I still don’t think it is. What I mean when I say “talked about” is: talked about freely amongst women.

Women are allowed to have an opinion on rape but they’re also (it seems to me) expected to keep that opinion to themselves, lest someone else feel belittled by their opinions.

We wouldn’t want to be or seem insensitive to others now would we?

I honestly think that that is one of the biggest stumbling blocks holding back women (as a group).

“sensitivity”.

The Idea that the world should be sensitive to us and treat us “fairly” and respect us.

Why?

only because we’re a girl.

Do you not realise that THAT was part of your “gender” enculturation as a child.

The world is NOT friendly, if women want to be treated equally to men then we need to toughen up a bit and stand up for ourselves, and I don’t just mean talking or writing, I mean DOING! defending ourselves.

The world is NOT kind it will NOT look after you, people don’t have to treat you well. If we can get women to learn that early in life then I think things will improve.

Anyway, Rape…..

Here is a little experiment to demonstrate how different a woman’s life experience can be depending simply on the circumstances of her birth (in this case what part of the world she is born into). 

This morning on my browser home page there were two stories about rape.

The first was Chrissy Hyde. Apparently, if you read the story, she experienced rape/sexual assault when she was 21 years old. She shares her personal opinion that she holds herself accountable for what happened and believes that other women who do the same and make similar choices to the ones she made are responsible for what happens as well. 

She does NOT say at any point that all women are responsible for their own rape.

But according to the comments left, she might as well have said that.

What I believe is that she was there, she knows herself better than anyone else, and at 21 she probably should have known the world well enough to know the risks she was taking.

does that make rape any less heinous a crime?

No.

The second story comes out of india, two sisters have been sentenced to be raped and publicly humiliated as punishment for the actions of their brother.

In a word:

Flabbergasted!

It disgusts and angers me that we still live in a world were this kind of thing can take place and be considered by some as “justice”.

And that's without going any further into the issue and talking about WHY a "punishment" like this is even more disgusting and heinous due to the cultural elements involved and as such the resultant long term effects on the lives of these women.

I don’t in anyway condone rape under any circumstances, but worse than rape to me, is ignorance and stupidity by some women who then turn around and scream the loudest at the injustices done to them and by doing so, belittle the suffering that other women truly DO endure.

I hate that it is always the most privileged and entitled of any group who seem to be the ones “representing” everyone else and that once they get what their entitled little heart desires, often at the expense of the rest of the group, they disappear and leave those who are truly in need, to suffer the consequences of their actions.

It is the "entitled" ones that write the arguments (in the public's perception) that defend purportrators 

I think we need to teach our daughters, (and even our sons to a lesser extent) that you CAN be raped, and that if you wait for other people to do the right thing by you, then you are a fool.

We each have free will and the ability to make our own choices.

In life, trauma is caused when we have that autonomy taken away from us. 

Rape is traumatic because of that. That control of the person and her/their body is taken away from them. physical pain resides, scars heal, but trauma remains, feeling powerless remains.

I have not been (in my life so far) sexually assaulted (for which I'm thankful and feel fortunate given the situations I've had to work in), and I pray I never am, but I am very well aware of what it is to have my free will withheld from me.

I make choices every day to maintain my autonomy in every way I can. Most of those choices revolve around keeping my medical history to myself, and not involving myself in discussions with people who would try and tell me who I am and what I can be.

To an extent we all have choices. 

To an extent we’re all responsible for the things that happen to us in life. 

Keeping to yourself.

There's been much publicity surrounding "trans" issues of late, I think largely due to the "Jenner 'thing".

Something I've been seeing a bit of is dialogue about social transition and "gender" or sex changes resulting in (at the least) regrets or dissatisfaction over time and (at worst) de-transitioning and returning back to ones original sex/social "role" (if you will).

I think seeing this talked about is a good thing.

Before I started (and during) transition I searched my soul constantly, I rooted out every last corner of my mind and emotions, trying to decide NOT; wether I was a girl or a transsexual, but rather, wether transition (and surgery) would be right for me and lead to a life that was sustainable

Reading the Internet and magazines, watching TV related to the TG "scene", these days I don't think many approach things as I did.

I think people are pretty blasé about this stuff and I don't think that's at all a good thing.

My life even now, is still VERY challenging at times and I have to say, I believe I probably have things better than most, even though that hasn't always been the case.

There aren't many people in my position in life (1. young, 2. a post-op transsexual, 3. living privately and 4. in a loving, long-term, committed, heterosexual relationship, with a completely "straight" man)  who share their opinions on Trans stuff on the internet for others to read.

One reason for that (I think, I don't know for certain) is because most "trans" people on the internet (when they see it), get upset or angry and (perhaps) take the stance that we're "bragging" about our lives or trying to belittle others, and they push back, abuse us and call us names and belittle us in return.

Here is the truth in regard to that: My life is STILL not easy!!!! Trying to elevate myself (even If I were so inclined and I'm not) over others will not change that about my life, nothing will! I stand to gain nothing AT. ALL. from putting others down.

Ok, so having said that, I do have some opinions on this that are based on my experience(s) past and present, and I’m going to try and talk as candidly here as I can.

Firstly, I don’t think transition (both social and surgical) is the right thing for everyone.

For example: perhaps it may help someone to be happier in themselves and more comfortable with their body which is certainly a positive. 

However, being a “trans” person (that means: being someone who is not biologically functional like the rest of their new/target sex), by circumstance, causes a person to have different life experiences then other members of that (new-to-them) sex and because of that lack of commonality of experiences, the differences, it’s hard to relate and talk on the same level to others. 

What that means is that the trans person becomes pretty isolated and lonely. That isn't really anyones “fault” it just is what it is.

For instance, if as a woman, you’re unable to relate to other women’s experiences of pregnancy and childbirth, of menstruation and other major aspects of being biologically female (not necessarily because they know you’re trans, but simply because you can’t, they can sense you can’t understand, and so you tell them you’re not capable of these things even if you leave out the real reason why), then they are going to have trouble starting and continuing conversation with you. 

It’ll be awkward for them, because those are some (not all by any means, but still) of the main issues and experiences women talk about on a daily basis and so it will become easier for them to exclude you over time, than it would be to try and explain or include you in something that you’ll never have any real way of understanding first hand.

Men probably won’t be comfortable socialising with you either. There’s a million reasons why men can’t and won’t and not all of them are related to the fact that you’re “trans”, perhaps they don’t know you are (trans), but they still can’t socialise with you. 

If they do know then people will speculate that they’re gay or question their character or sexuality on any number of levels, if they don’t know, then what will their wife or girlfriend think or say? 

Men aren’t going there!

So, you don’t “fit” anywhere, not well at least, in either “camp” which sees you isolated and alone.

There’s only so much social isolation that most people are able to handle, and if you’re not used to it, it doesn’t take very long, that isolation is enough to drive most people either to end their life, or alternatively, drive them straight back to their birth sex.

Now try adding youth to that situation, if you’re young (say pre-thirties) you have decades worth of life to endure with that constant pervasive isolation, and it only grows, and the loneliness only gets worse over time as most women experience more and more of life and due to your lack of “functionality” you’re life pretty much stays at a standstill.

My life is a challenge, it’s hard work! I do the work of a woman AND a man trying to afford the experiences most females take for granted.

Motherhood for instance, I long to have and raise children. It’s an experience I might be able to have if I can adopt and something that I can have in common with some other women and something that might also reduce (hopefully) my level of isolation.

But! I’m in my early thirties, and my boyfriend is a few years older than me, in order for us to stand any chance of adopting at our age, we need to be pretty stellar “candidates”, a good and stable home, plenty of money, physical presentation is important as well (sadly people are superficial), of all things though, I think we have the “love” aspect covered.

We aren’t well educated (neither of us), so we aren’t well paid, which means that to be who we need to be (in the eyes of others) we both find ourselves working 70-80 hours a week, trying to build our business and our finances.

These things are things that aren’t even a blip on the radar of new transitioners. 

New transitioners are busy trying to survive what they think will be the biggest challenge of their life and busy being cheered on by others in the TG community.

It doesn’t get easier.

Working hours like that means I don’t get to keep on top of my weight and fitness like I need to, it means that I don’t get to go and get my body hair waxed as often as I need to (there’s still a small amount that stubbornly persists), and that makes me less “passable” (I hate that terminology, I'd prefer "presentable" but most trans folks wouldn't understand me properly) which stresses me. 

It also makes me self conscious with my boyfriend. Yes, he knows about my situation, but I/we don’t celebrate it, and I certainly don’t want to give him visual aids to my “history”.

life is hard for normal females, but the balancing act is intricate for a TS born woman, our struggles are unknown to them in similar ways as theirs are to us (similar in most ways yet separate and different in others, it’s hard to explain). 

And if these aren’t enough difficulties for most, then you have people’s denial of you as a woman and as a female.

Take a look at any comment thread on any site or page on the internet, there’s “hate” on just about every one of them, read enough (and even just live enough life out in the real world) and it’s hard not to internalise how the world feels about “you”.

Life is not easy.

So, if you want to live surrounded by trans people as your only friends and lovers for the rest of your days, years and decades (which I don’t really think there’s anything wrong with in truth, if that is what you want for yourself), if this is all a big fantasy for you and you’re certain that you will never ever get tired of living the trans lifestyle then by all means I’d encourage you to go ahead and pursue transition and surgery.

However.

If That isn’t the life you seek for yourself long term, if you actually want to live life where others consider you to be a born member of your new/target sex, then I’d recommend you think very carefully, and make a plan for how you’re going to survive the rest of your life right at the very start of your transition.

Ask yourself some serious questions and make sure to answer them with brutal honesty.

I think the most important question I can offer you is this:

If it was guaranteed that after you transition, not a single person in the world would EVER believe you or accept you as the person you say you are (your new/target sex, male or female) no matter how well you might “pass” and if you were destined to live life completely alone after transition, would you still want or need to do it?

In closing: at this point in my own life I ask myself; what do I have when it comes to who I am? 

Am I any closer to self-realisation or fulfilment?

My answers are pretty much the same as they’ve been from the very start.

All I have is my own self held belief that I am female. It means little to anyone but me when it all comes down it, but it is all that I have and have ever had. So, I hold it close to my heart, and I keep my head down and keep putting one foot in front of the other and quietly slugging my way through life with as much dignity as I can.

I’ll never fully realise myself nor completely know fulfilment, but I’ve understood that that would be the case since the very start, and the thing about that is that I don’t believe many people ever get to truly know those things. 

At least all of this has taught me what it would take for me to know them, and given me a clear direction in working towards them.

For quite some time I would have told you I didn’t believe in “luck”, and to a certain extent I still don’t, I believe that life is what you make it. However, as a person, (not JUST a “trans” person, but a person in general) I DO feel “lucky”. 

I have an amazing  man that loves me and accepts me for who I am AND who I present myself to be.

His friends and family do also.

He gives me strength.

I wish us all peace. 

Good things to read that are current at writing of this post:

SMH article

Be careful with This site, I think this post is worth while, but many posts on this blog could damage some if they're un-prepared.